Saturday, 19 December 2009

Doctor, Doctor

Doctor: So this dream you mentioned in your phone call ...?
Woman: O, it was awful! A nightmare!
Doctor: Yes ...?
Woman: I dreamed that Borders Bookshop was closing down and all the books were 20p.
Doctor: I believe Borders is closing down ..?
Woman: Yes, but the books weren't 20p. Originally, it was 20% off the R.R.P. Hardly a bargain, though now the discount is 50%-70% off, it's much better.
Doctor: Let's focus on the dream. Why was it so dreadful?
Woman: I couldn't get there. Borders - it was horrific - I couldn't get there. I was stuck in a shopping mall in Scotland pushing Judy Garland round Tesco in a wheelchair. Piles of red peppers - mountains - and bloody Judy Garland kept leaping out of the wheelchair to squeeze them. People were tutting!
Doctor: Tutting?
Woman: Yes, because she clearly didn't need a wheelchair at all. She was malingering.
Doctor: Is there anything else you wish to say about this dream?
Woman: No.
Doctor: Let's move on to the other issue you mentioned.
Woman: Yes.
Doctor: The daily visits to Borders. How many is it now?
Woman (PENSIVE): Ummm ... Five? Yes, five.
Doctor: And you buy a book each time.
Woman: No.
Doctor: No?
Woman: No. (BEAT). I buy lots of books each time.
Doctor: I see you have a bag with you now.
Woman: Mmm ...
Doctor: We discussed you not going to Borders today, didn't we?
Woman: We did.
Doctor: And yet - ?
Woman: I didn't deliberately go to Borders. I went to B&Q for a thingy.
Doctor: A thingy?
Woman: A thi - O, they're difficult to describe.
Doctor: Did you get one?
Woman: No. (BEAT). The man in B&Q didn't know what I meant.
Doctor: So you went to Borders instead?
Woman(FIRMLY): Not deliberately.
Doctor: Not deliberately ...
Woman (RUMMAGING IN CARRIER BAG): It might help if I told you what I'd bought?
Doctor: Would it?
Woman: Almost certainly. (BEAT). How the Light Gets In - M.J.Hyland, Collected Stories of Janice Galloway, How to Paint a Dead Man - Sarah Hall, The Magician - Somerset Maugham, The Law of Dreams - Peter Behrens, Resistance - Owen Sheers, Complete Short Stories of Robert Graves, Complete Shorter Fiction of Oscar Wilde, Big Mouth - Blanaid McKinney, The Collected Fiction of Neil Jordan and Something of Myself - Rudyard Kipling.
Doctor (SLOWLY): This isn't really a mini drama, is it?
Woman: No, I don't suppose it is.
Doctor: And I'm not really a character, am I? I'm just a thinly-veiled excuse for you to confess to buying a lot of books again - aren't I?
Woman (PACKING BOOKS AWAY AGAIN): I feel much better now, Doctor.
Doctor: Whereas I am left questioning the reason for existence in a post-Jungian panorama. (BEAT). Thanks.
Woman (HELPFULLY): There were still a lot of books left on the Psychology shelf ...



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  2. Cindie had a nice line in knickers, but as they appeared to be draped on Japanese schoolgirls, I'm saving your blushes ...