That Mariella Frostrup Apology in Full

Dear Sirs (and one Madam)

I am most dreadfully sorry for calling you

- misogynists
- ecologists
- gynaecologists *

As a woman who deals primarily in words for a living, my choice of one in particular was

- careless
- car less
- couldn't care less *

It was an inflammatory choice, based on no

- factual evidence
- huge coincidence
- women in senior positions on the BBC Radio 4 Today programme*

Ceri Thomas, the editor of Today, and his manly team are obviously not

- demons
- lemons
- unreconstructed chauvinist pigs *

I love the Today programme and think that the presenters all do an excellent job; male and one token female.

Yours (in hope of a renewed contract)

Mariella X

* Delete as appropriate:

That Prime Ministerial Apology in Full

Dear

Mrs Duffy / Mick Clogg /Rabid Cameroon *

I am most dreadfully sorry for calling you a

Bigot / Spigot / Lester Piggott.*

In my defence, I was only trying to be helpful to the

TV Producers / Electorate Seducers / Democratic Traducers*

Of course, what I meant to say was

Harlot / Zealot / Halibut *

It's been a long campaign and the idiot fixer - Kayleigh, an intern on a gap year - shouldn't have let me loose on the Public in the first place. When Kayleigh eventually climbs down from the roof of Party HQ, she will apologise to you herself.

Yours Sincerely / Merely / Hardly*

Gordon

* Delete as appropriate

The All-Purpose Apology

Dear Mum / Partner / Lord High Admiral *

I apologise deeply / profoundly / 1000m below sea level *

For not noticing

- that my shoes were muddy

- that the remote control was on the coffee table exactly where you said it was

- a 433 ft underwater pinnacle made of rock.*

My failure in this matter caused a significant amount of damage to

- the cream shag-pile in the hall

- the 42" wide-screen TV which makes even the skinny weather girl look short and fat

- a Royal Navy nuclear submarine. *

In my defence, I had lost my

- door key

- temper

- Signals Communications Officer.*

If I promise to

- do the dishes for a week

- stop talking during Antiques Roadshow especially when the experts are revealing the valuations of hitherto unprepossessing objects

- stay on dry land*

will you forgive me?

Yours etc. etc.

* Delete as appropriate