Showing posts with label News Flash. Show all posts
Showing posts with label News Flash. Show all posts

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

Mystery Driver Unmasked

Actor Ben Collins has revealed in his new biography that he plays the part of Jeremy Clarkson in television’s hit show, Top Gear. The show, which has run since 1977, was relaunched in 2002 when the increasingly bizarre behaviour of the original presenter came to the attention of the series’ producers.

The first Jeremy Clarkson had apparently begun to press for more coverage of green transport issues and had even started cycling into work. He insisted on a female driver for his BBC Staff car as he "felt safer when a woman was at the wheel" and spent his lunch breaks jogging around the Silverstone circuit.

Clarkson ran his Citroen 2CV on recycled cooking oil. “It smelled like a bloody chip shop,” said Adrian Philbin, the programme’s director. “He’d joined CND and gone on anti-fox hunting rallies. It was beyond a joke.”

For months, producers tried to cover up Clarkson’s eccentricities, even going so far as to publish a ghost-written column in The Sun.

However, when Clarkson attended filming wearing a pair of Farah slacks stating “I’m too old for jeans” it was clear that decisive action needed to be taken.

“That’s when I stepped in," said Collins. “I’d just passed my test on my fourth attempt and I’ve never liked Americans. It was typecasting really, but the money was good and I couldn’t say no.”

Collins had to practise lines such as I’d rather eat my own hair and If he steps on my land I’ll shoot him and signed a contract which confined him to listening only to soft rock music.

“It’s been a huge relief getting it all out in the open,” said Collins. “I really couldn’t face another Genesis track. Also, denim’s been setting off my psoriasis. All down to chafing really.”

Grinning, as he left his publisher’s offices he said, “And that little runt Richard Hammond is played by -.”

But, no, you’ll have to buy the book.

Like Shit Off a Shovel, is published by Harper Collins on Wednesday 15th September.

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Disgruntled Film-goer Sues Sly

It was revealed today that Liverpool solicitor Max Rekin has served a writ on Hollywood icon, Sylvester Stallone. Denying accusations of opportunism and wanton limelight-seeking, Mr Rekin claimed that he was merely responding to instructions from his client, Mrs Susan Curley.

"Mrs Curley attended her local cinema to watch Mr Stallone in an action-thriller adventure. Not only did Mr Stallone not strip down to his vest in sub-zero temperatures - as he did with much success in Cliffhanger - but the role of Sylvester appeared to have been filled by his mother, Jackie. My client is suing Mr Stallone for the cost of her ticket - £7.85 - and for £250,000 for emotional distress. Mrs Curley last watched Jackie Stallone in Celebrity Big Brother 2005 and vowed never to watch the lady in question again."

In a hastily convened press conference, Mr Rekin provided video evidence to support Mrs Curley's allegations. Using images from the film The Expendables, the solicitor highlighted various features on the actor's face.

"The eyebrows have clearly been tattooed on to achieve an archly flirtatious expression. Lip implants have resulted in a duck-like pout," he said using a laser pointer to circle the areas causing most concern.

An expert witness from the Rimmel counter in Boots agreed that eyeliner was in evidence. "It's an amateurish application," said Chantelle Trill. "Reminiscent of the school of Amy Winehouse and, revealingly, a trademark of Jackie Stallone."

Mrs Curley was not available to talk to the Press, but her neighbour, James Kelly, 74, read out a statement on her behalf. "No action hero - especially one who has gone fifteen rounds with Apollo Creed - would ever stoop to such feminine behaviour. Besides which, he runs like a girl."

A spokesman for Universal Studios declined to discuss the case in detail saying only that Jackie Stallone was concentrating on her business, Rumpology Enterprises, and had no desire to invade a South American island or fight rogue CIA agents.

Randy Couture, who also starred in the film said,  "This is a total crock. Sly is an experienced and highly-skilled actor. It is not easy running in high heels, but Jason Stathom refused to stand in a trench in their joint scenes."

The case continues.

Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Custard's Last Stand?

British scientists have claimed that the method used to calculate absolutely everything may be wrong.

It is a given that the universe is chock-a-block with planets, stars, asteroids and gas - but despite obvious overcrowding (caused by satellites, sputniks, space shuttles, Russian monkeys and Richard Branson) this astral jetson accounts for just four per cent of the cosmos.

The rest is thought to be made up of mysterious matter and energy - of a texture akin to custard. This custard gets everywhere - as custard often does - and is believed to power the expansion of the universe.

Physicists at Durham University now claim the calculations on which the size of the universe is based could be half-baked.

This raises the frankly unbelievable possibility that the 'custard side' of the cosmos does not exist.

Dr Robert Pye of the Royal Astronomical Society, said: “This would challenge assumptions about the long term future of the custard-based universe model, because the assumption at the moment is that univeral custard is expanding like nothing on earth and if it isn’t that would be a huge shock."

Friday, 28 May 2010

The Cross Stitch Cannibal

A 76 year old pensioner has claimed to be the 'Cross Stitch Cannibal'. Appearing in Bradford Magistrates' Court on charges of affray, Mrs Agnes Stamps shouted abuse at court officials, witnesses, and said she'd "kebab" the stenographer for being a "snotty cow".

Outside the court, her son James Stamps, 54, said, "My mother has never killed anyone, let alone eaten them. She hasn't got the brains or the guts. I lay blame for this uncharacteristic behaviour firmly at the door of the Bradford Telegraph & Argus. They gave Mum the oxygen of publicity and now she is excited and showing off."

Earlier in the month, the local paper had run a series of front page scoops detailing a long-running dispute between the Committee and Members of St. Margaret-Mary's Cassock Club. Police had been summoned repeatedly to the club to investigate the decapitation of the priest's prize-winning dahlias; claims of a butchered Ave Maria; a Victoria sponge, donated to the Union of Catholic Mothers' Annual Tea, which had been minced beyond recognition; and a mobility scooter found dissected on the steps of the Church Hall. It has not been established if Mrs Stamps was involved in any of these actions.

Father Vernon O'Dee, in a written statement said: "The Cassock Club was formed to preserve the tradition of needlework in the Parish. Once my cassocks had been restored to their former glory, the ladies did seventy kneelers with full hanging rings. I'd prefer not to discuss the nature of the disagreement until I've taken advice from the Bishop. I've advised all members to remain tight-lipped."

Mrs Stamps's close friend and neighbour, Ethel Smalley, 68, said "Of course Doris is not studying criminology at university. I've no idea where you got that from. Is she violent? Well, I wouldn't trust her with a hamster - she's a bit slapdash with the Ewbank - and her close stitchwork is unrestrained to say the least. But as for being a cannibal, her dentures wouldn't take the strain."

Mrs Stamps has been remanded until 30th May.