Monday, 3 January 2011

Overheard Conversation #24

This conversation hasn't actually happened yet. But it will. On Friday.

Two glamorous types (think Thelma and Louise) are heading North in a spotlessly clean, valeted and waxed automobile.

Artist: Tell me again, why are we going to Morecambe?
Driver: It is the hidden jewel of the North East.
Artist: That's Filey.
Driver: Because I'd rather go to Budapest but that wasn't probable.
Artist: Possible?
Driver: Everything's possible! (BEAT) Also Eric has a lovely statue, one and a half times life size. And he was a big man to start with.
Artist: Big?
Driver: Don't be Volga! Ha! Did you see what I did there?
Artist: Budapest is on the Danube.
Driver: Near enough.
Artist: I'd like to take a photograph of Eric, to add to my to add to my Towns With A Terrible Sculpture portfolio.
Driver: Okie-doke. (BEAT.) You haven't mentioned my eyebrows.
Artist: I didn't like to.
Driver: You always mention my eyebrows.
Artist: They're a distinguishing feature.
Driver: They are.
Artist: In a study, subjects were asked to identify celebrities with either their eyes or their eyebrows digitally edited out. The subjects were able to recognise the celebrity 46% of the time with their eyebrows edited out, compared to 60% of the time with their eyes edited out.
Driver: And?
Artist: The findings indicate the importance of eyebrows in providing cues to an individual's identity.
Driver: So if I put two Elastoplasts over my eyebrows, you'd not recognise me for 54% of the time?
Artist: I'm not sure just how many people walk around with Elastoplasts over their eyebrows. You may be fairly unique in that ...
Driver: Hmm. Fascinating though eyebrows are, I've bought you a present. (GESTURES AT GLOVE COMPARTMENT.)
Artist: A CD?
Driver: A relaxing CD.
Artist (READING): Drifting, Alone on the Shore, Voyage of Discovery, Rainforest Rhapsody, Rising Sun, Stillness?
Driver: And Daydreaming. (BEAT.) It's made in Hong Kong, you know. Without a single musician.
Artist: Erm ..?
Driver: For your insomnia. It will send you into a deep, comatose state.
Artist: I was relying on Morecambe for that.

Roll credits


  1. My Dear Moptop

    I used to live and work in Morecambe! I was stationed at a Bank on Euston Road.

    If you have any spare time, unlikely in such an interesting resort, you could visit the Cumberland View Bowling Club, Heysham Road. The 131 and 822 bus will take you all the way. I mention this as I was the CGB Champion of 2005 and my name is on the 'Big Bowler' Board.

    I hope you have a splendid day.

  2. Dear Tinker

    I shall MAKE the time.

    Fondest regards,


  3. Years ago I spent several puzzled minutes listening to a pair of Italians singing the praises of "Beautiful Moré-Cambé".

  4. Ah, Lapinbizarre, I once was asked directions to 'Hahrogattee' by an American gentleman.