Overheard Tannoy Announcement #1

Location: The Southport to Liverpool train - 13th July 2011.


(CLICK. WEARY SIGH. MALE VOICE. BROAD LANCASHIRE ACCENT)

" 'Ello. It's Wednesday. I know it's Wednesday 'cos this morning I woke up and 'eard on the radio that one lucky winner in this country 'ad won £161 million on t' Euro Lottery.

" For just that moment I dared believe it could've been me. I went downstairs and checked on t' Internet and all my dreams came crashing down.

"I 'adn't won a dam' thing an' I would 'ave to come into work this afternoon.

"Lookin' on the bright side, at least comin' into work got me away from the mother-in-law. Because if I 'ad won that lottery I'd have 'ad to spend the afternoon with 'er.

(BIG SIGH. CLICK)

(CLICK AGAIN) Oh, yes this is the 16.30 to Hunts Cross calling at  - well, all the stations inbetween."

Hacked Off

To Whom it May Concern ~

In my defence, none of this - any of it - was my fault because I was on holiday at the time.

I think that you will find this to be a water-tight defence.

Sack the solicitor, lay off the lawyer,* and banish the barrister.

I was on holiday is defence enough for murder, mayhem or - ahem - ever so illegal phone-hacking. In fact, the only phone-hacking I know anything at all about is the percussion section of the Bonzo Dog Doodah Band, track two, featuring phone-hacking, tub-thumping, and gooseberry-jamming. All of which I listened to whilst I was on holiday.

Yours sincerely/wish you were here etc. etc.

RB

* This item of Political Birdfeed is sponsored by the Oxford Comma.