Location: the kitchen of a picturesque (i.e. draughty and damp) farmhouse in small hamlet in the middle of Tuscany.
Characters: (This is an Italian epic, hence the cast of thousands)
Donatella (46), Sergio (54), Zio Elio (indeterminately old), Zia Carla (ditto), Cesare (4), Laura (6), Au Pair (18)
Dinner has been eaten. Over small cups of espresso and torta di noci, the extended family - and the English au pair - discuss the pressing issues of the day: opera, theatre, literature, politics, and - erm - yoghurt ...
N.B. The conversation is in Italian, but for ease of understanding (unless you are actually Italian), it has - mostly - been transcribed into English.
Zio Elio: Where did you get those yoghurts?
Donatella: The lemon ones?
Zio Elio: Yes, the ones we've just eaten.
Sergio: I didn't eat one.
Zio Elio: Yes, you did.
Sergio: No, you ate mine. You ate two.
Cesare: Zio Elio's a greedy pig! Zio Elio's a greedy pig!
Zia Carla: Basta! (Which means enough, not what you thought it meant.)
Donatella: From the shop.
Zio Elio: Which shop?
Donatella: In Lizzano.
Laura: I didn't like mine. I gave it to the dog.
Zio Elio: It's a sin to waste food, Laura.
Laura: I didn't waste it. The dog ate it. Is it a sin to feed the dog?
(FADE OUT as the nature of Sin in regard to dogs is discussed at some length. FADE IN.)
Sergio: I prefer Swiss yoghurt anyway.
Zia Carla: The Swiss don't make good yoghurt!
Sergio: The Swiss make excellent yoghurt!
Zio Elio: That lemon yoghurt was definitely Italian.
Cesare: What yoghurt?
Donatella: We need a neutral opinion.
(ALL TURN AND STARE AT THE AU PAIR)
Au Pair: O! Hmm, gosh, English yoghurts are not so good. They are full of -
(SEARCHES DESPERATELY FOR A WORD AND REMEMBERS THE GOLDEN RULE: CHOOSE AN ENGLISH WORD AND STICK AN ITALIAN-SOUNDING ENDING ON IT)
Si, si sono pieno di preservativi!
(SLUMPS EXHAUSTED BUT TRIUMPHANT IN HER SEAT).
Au Pair (EMPHATICALLY): Sono pieno di preservativi.
Zio Elio: Preservativi?
Au Pair: Si. It is almost impossible to find a yoghurt in England that is not full of preservatives.
Sergio: É vero? Is this true?
Zia Carla: This cannot be true!
Au Pair: É vero! English yoghurts are full of preservativi.
Donatella: Preservativi? Gli Inglese sono animali!
An Italian woman eating an English yoghurt