Monday, 15 August 2011
Howdee, Howdee, Howdee
Transcript of top secret, long distance telephone conversation leaked to Moptop Towers by an underground mole*.
David C: Mr Bratwurst, frankly I am delighted that you have made the time to talk to me.
Bill Bratwurst: Mr President, I have many happy memories of the Ukraine, the Beatles in particular.
David C: The peasants have been revolting and, frankly, I've had enough.
Bill Bratwurst: Shoot 'em. What do you guys call it? The Glorious Twelfth?
David C: Peasants! Oiks, yobs and hooligans - I mean, hoodlums.
Bill Bratwurst: Ya wan' me to shoot 'em for ya?
David C: I want your advice. We have a problem with gangs.
Bill Bratwurst: Uh-huh?
David: Do you know that since 2009 we've had thirteen gang-related murders in London?
Bill Bratwurst: Thirteen?
David C: Dreadful, isn't it?
Bill Bratwurst: A pissant thirteen murders? That all? Why, we had one hundred and fifty seven. And LA has half the population of London Town. You guys are freakin' amateurs. No offence, Mr President.
David C: Yes, well, that's why I'd like you on board. We'll do whatever it takes -
Georgie-O: (HISSES) - As long as we don't have to fund any youth clubs.
Bill Bratwurst: How many were killed last week?
David C: Sadly, five.
Bill Bratwurst: I can see ya problem from here. Ya wanna issue officers with semi-automatic weapons. Why, in 1992 my officers shot double that number in LA alone.
David C: (HASTILY) Er, we'd rather not talk about police shooting the public. Frankly.
Bill Bratwurst: The Mayor of New York raised taxes - gave me an extra five thousand police officers.
Georgie-O: Raised taxes??
David C: We probably won't fill the current vacancies at The Metropolitan Police - Police Commissioner, Assistant Police Commissioner, that sort of thing. Theresa's doing a marvellous job. You know how good the ladies are at multi-tasking.
Bill Bratwurst: Poker.
David C: (HORRIFIED) Theresa??
Bill Bratwurst: It's about keepin' a straight face and playing the hand you're dealt. Mr President, I've been an outsider in every department I've worked in -
David C: Excellent. Just the ticket.
Bill Bratwurst: - 'Cause Trigger couldn't manage the steps.
David C: Trigger?
Bill Bratwurst: My horse flies Club.
* Where else would it be? - Ed.