Is there anything you'd like to add ...?

This evening, during a long and rather giddy conversation with my favourite aunt (also known as the Demon Aunt; she of Malteser Biscuit fame), I was reminded of the many silly things I've said in job interviews.

My FA must attend a job interview - for her own job - and has to give a presentation. She asked if she could give a presentation on how to make Malteser Biscuits but the Head of H.R. said they'd rather have a Powerpoint presentation on care budgets and the implications of the Government Spending Review.

(I know which I'd rather watch, but hey-ho.)

After a couple of years back in education, I applied for a job and was summoned for interview. Unfortunately, the day before I'd torn my calf muscle quite badly and was on crutches.

(I'd crossed a road as a car was heading towards me and, whilst I did not actually break into a jog, I did attempt a sort of urgent shuffle in order to signal to the driver that I did not intend to slow his passage in an inconvenient manner. Who knew that shuffling tore calf muscles?).

As I limped and, er, crutched - ? - into the interview room, the panel scoured my application form in a panicked manner, clearly looking to see if I'd checked the Do you consider yourself to have a disability? box.

"Oh, don't worry," I said, as I collapsed into a chair. "The crutches are a temporary state of affairs. I've torn my calf muscle."

"How did you do that?" asked the person in the most expensive suit.

"Well," I said. "I'm telling everyone it was page 69 of the Kama Sutra because the real reason's far too embarrassing."

WHY?

Why did I say THAT?

Still, it is nowhere near as bad as a Great Friend who emigrated to New Zealand.

When one emigrates to New Zealand, one has to submit to all sorts of tests and checks to prove that one is road worthy. On the morning of Great Friend's first job interview - to be a Dental Nurse at a Holistic Dentist Practice (don't ask) - the results of all her various immigration tests and checks arrived in the post. She scanned them quickly before she left the house.

The interview went well. Great Friend was feeling quietly confident. At the end, came the standard question: "Is there anything you'd like to ask us?"

Great Friend: "No thank you. I think you've covered everything."

Dentist: "And finally, is there anything you'd like to tell us?"

Great Friend: "Yes, I don't have syphilis!"

Out, damned Sloth! out I say!

Further updates on My Brilliant Career

For reasons beyond my ken(nel), the Pet Psychic business has not been as successful as I'd anticipated so I've decided to diversify. Diversification is quite the thing. On The Archers, no-one just trundles round on a tractor vaguely ploughing any more. Instead they make cheese, yoghurt, icecream, and breed lamb-burgers (mint optional), venison chops and someone knits mittens out of llamas.

So, from today I am happy to be able to offer you a bespoke Demon Casting Out Service. I've seen a gap in the market as once Philippa Stroud is elected to Parliament as the MP for Sutton and Cheam, it is unlikely that she'll be able to meet her Demon Quota.

She's a high-flyer (which I think means she catches the demons in a large butterfly net) but I've never been one for aerial acrobatics, so will take a much more earthbound approach. That will be my USP: a practical and pragmatic approach to demon discharge.

Executive Service (The Big Seven with free complementary hot towels and aromatherapy foot rub)

Lucifer: pride
Mammon: greed
Asmodeus: lust
Leviathan: envy
Beelzebub: gluttony
Satan/Amon: wrath
Belphegor: sloth

(This is in line with Peter Binsfeld's classification of 1589. Keep an eye on The Stockmarket as once I go live, shares in Weightwatchers will tumble. )

European Service (All of the above but with added siesta)

Carreau: hardness of heart
Carnivean: obscenity and shamelessness
Oeillet: breaking vows
Rosier: sexual impurity
Verrier: disobedience

( Francesco Maria Guazzo was Italian so his obsession with sex shouldn't come as much of a surprise - although I don't think Philippa is Italian so that stereotype doesn't translate as well as I thought. No matter - keep a weather eye on British Rubber.)

Parliamentarian Service (All of the above but with added expenses)

Pythius: liars
Belial: vessels of iniquity
Merihem: pestilences
Abaddon: wars and devastation
Astaroth: inquisitors and accusers

(Sell! Sell! Sell!)

I'll also be offering a Demon of the Month service on B.O.G.O.F. which is unbeatable value (though I say it myself).
May sees Lucifer in the hot seat but after the 6th, I foresee considerable demand for this option and so bookings will be honoured strictly on a first-come basis.

Usual Terms & Conditions apply

Pirate School

Talking about career changes (see posts passim and, by the way, after leaving my business cards in several phoneboxes, I have been inundated with inquiries - all male, but I expect they have more trouble communicating with their pets on a psychic level).

Where was I? Oh, yes, a poet friend, bored one day, posted up an advert in a local wine bar - Pirate Lessons: A two day intensive course. Phone for further details. And then there was a row of little tear off strips giving his phone number.

After only a week, he changed his phone number. Who could have guessed there would be such demand for Pirate Lessons? People were ringing at all hours, eager to sign up for the next available course, some even offering a deposit (in Ready Money) and when he explained that he'd created the advert as a joke, they got very cross. Very cross indeed.

It's amazing how much wickedness arrives out of boredom ...

Anyway, given that there is clearly an overwhelming need for Pirate Lessons, I thought it would be sensible to create a curriculum with Aims & Objectives, Learning Outcomes, Required Reading, Examinations - that sort of thing - and knock up a Business Plan to present to my Bank Manager.

I'll get Linguaphone on board. They've done all they can with French, Italian and German. How to Speak Pirate is bound to be a best-seller.

Pop on your headphones and repeat after me: Aargghhh.

Yes, that's right. Now say that again: Aargghhh.

Good. Lesson 2. Advanced Variations on Aargghhh.

Other Learning Activities would include Parrot Care, How to Assemble a Hammock, Eating Without Cutlery, An Examination of Health & Safety Directives 36a (Planks), 114b - i (Cutlasses), 257a-ii (Rum), The Identification of Fish, Treasure Burying, Map Reading, Blackspot & How to Avoid It, Beard-growing & Aftercare, Doubloons & the Euro, Do You Really Need a Monkey? - &c, &c.

After three years of study (one of the former-Polytechnics will doubtless create a degree), the Pirate Apprentice will be obliged to commit an Act of Larceny on the High Seas in order to achieve full pirate status. Storming the Mersey Ferry to steal a saucer would suffice.

So, has this idea got (peg) legs?

Spiritually Barking

Today, on the way home from an afternoon in Albania, I was struck by a sudden flash of inspiration.

I intend to retrain as a Pet Psychic.

How much training does a Pet Psychic need? I hear you mutter. Don't be catty. Some of us have gifts. Some of us have vocations.

One such Pet Psychic was interviewed on the radio. (Hence the sudden flash for which, you will note, I claimed not one jot of originality.) She tunes into an animal (tunes not turns, because that would be ridiculous) and translates the images the animal telepathically transmits to her. Last week, a camel called Sofia suggested that a birthday breakfast of champagne and strawberries would be in order. That's a camel after my own heart. Clearly, I have an affinity with camels. A good start, wouldn't you say?

Practice makes perfect. Once home, I began my psychic training with the goldfish. In five second intervals, I discovered he is still holding a grudge about the time he was dropped down the toilet. It was an accident! I telepathically transmitted back to him. I'm a girl! she telepathically transmitted back to me - in images, by the way, and we're talking piscine genitalia ...

The dog was more difficult. The dog has always been difficult. The dog has the attention span of a flea. Though, to give the dog his due, perhaps I had tuned into the telepathic brainwaves of an actual flea ...? I must learn to focus. There's a knack to it.

Knack is an interesting choice of words considered the dog's telepathic images. It was years ago! But if it will help you achieve closure then, okay, we'll focus on your - sorry, I was talking to the dog.

So, anyway, you can see I've taken to this new career like a duck to water - and I've only been doing it for ninety minutes. I'm designing business cards: Moptop's Psychic Menagerie ~Bestiality a Speciality.

Look, I've told you! You'll just have to find something else to lick! Sorry, that was the dog again.