Ging Gang Goolie

As a child, I wasn't allowed to join Brownies or Guides. Instead I was marched off to Christian Endeavour which was as much fun as it sounds. The highlight of any meeting was Miss Pick's Illustrated Bible Stories using Fuzzy Felt on a green baize board, and the occasional sword drill.

No, nothing as exciting as weapon training. Sword drill entailed tucking a copy of the Revised Standard under your arm and clutching it with your other hand. The Group Leader (not Miss Pick, because she'd be untangling her Fuzzy Felt*) would shout "2 Corinthians, Chapter 3, Verse 12" and you'd rifle through your Bible until you'd found the verse, leap to your feet, proclaim said verse and be presented with a pencil from the Scripture Union Bookshop, printed with the message The End is Nigh.

O, what a jolly time we all had. I spent many Tuesday evenings counting the diamonds in the moth-eaten Turkish carpet that covered the uneven floorboards of the vestry. If I close my eyes, I can still see that carpet ...

The younger generation of moptops went to Woodcraft Folk (Hitler Youth for Hippies) where they made greetings cards for prisoners of conscience at Christmas time, appliqued anti-war banners and got food poisoning at the annual summer camp where the camp cook did dreadful things with lentils.

Now the Small Boy is an Explorer. So far he's earned several badges. The Chopping Up A Piano With An Axe And Setting It On Fire Badge and the Dismantling A Photocopier Over Several Weeks And Bringing Home Odd Looking Bits of Electrical Components Which Clog Up The Hoover Badge.

Tonight he earned his third badge: The Riding Around A Field On a Sit-Upon Lawnmower Badge.

I'm not entirely convinced Chief Scout of the World Baden-Powell** would approve ... But then he was fond of watching boys bathe naked. I expect the Skinny Dipping in a Shallow Stream Badge will be saved for the warmer months.

*smut intended
** spooky coincidence. Robert Stephenson was BP's godfather. RS is SB's distant ancestor from whom he gets his middle name.

Overheard Conversations #9

Location: Outside a hut set in waste ground . Exterior. Evening.

Characters: Mum, Teenage Daughter (Banshee), Small(ish) Boy.

Mum & Banshee are standing outside the hut. It is dark and cold.

Banshee: I can't believe you've let him come here.

Mum: It's good for him to join things.

Banshee: Look at the place!

Mum: What about it?

Banshee: It's in the middle of nowhere.

Mum: We're in Garston.

Banshee: They could be teaching him anything!

Mum (CONFUSED): What?

Banshee: It's a paramilitary organisation.

Mum: It's the Scouts.

Banshee: I wouldn't let my child come here.

THE SCOUT HUT DOOR BURSTS OPEN. SMALL BOY COMES RUNNING OUT WAVING A PIECE OF PAPER.

Small Boy: You have to sign this for next week!

Mum (SQUINTING AT THE PAPER): What is it?

Small Boy: My shooting permission slip.

Banshee: Ha! What are you going to be shooting, Rory? Jewish people?

Small Boy: I'm going to camp next weekend -

Banshee: To learn how to make bombs?

Small Boy: I need to take a cake -

Mum: I'll make you one -

Small Boy: And a sleeping bag -

Banshee: A detonator, plastic explosives, a hunting knife -

Small Boy: And wellies. Have I got wellies?

Mum: Yes, they're under the stairs -

Banshee: Not forgetting the black balaclava, latex gloves -

Mum (FIRMLY): How was Scouts?

Small Boy: Great! We chopped up a piano with massive axes and burned it!

Mum: What?

Banshee: Next week: book burning.

Small Boy: Ken, he's the leader, he's got no feeling in his left hand -

Banshee: Has he got a hook?

Small Boy: When he was a welder a piece of white hot metal jumped inside his glove and destroyed his nerves -

Mum (BRIGHTLY): Let's go for the bus -

Small Boy: And the first he knew about it was when he smelled the burning flesh.

Banshee: Lovely!

Small Boy: Ken says I can train my grip by squeezing a tennis ball. Have we got any tennis balls, Mum?

Banshee: Perhaps you could practise on small animals?

Mum (THROUGH GRITTED TEETH): Yes, we've got a tennis ball.

Banshee: When he grows a small, black moustache don't say I didn't warn you.

Roll credits