How to Get a Passport #2

A cut out and keep guide

1. Get passport form signed.
2. Find Post Office that doesn't encourage the posting of twenty-two parcels at a time.
3. Queue.
4. Arrive at Plexiglass window. Smile. Present passport form with a flourish. Nod as woman behind Plexiglass checks form - yes, yes, yes - all appears to be in order. Produce debit card and prepare to be suddenly impoverished. Hold breath -
5. Hold in silent scream as woman behind Plexiglass points out that passport form has been signed in blue ink which invalidates entire form.
6. Meekly and mutely accept new, blank passport form.
7. Return home and remain mute, meek and - indeed - blank for several hours.
8. Search for black pen. Confiscate and destroy every blue, green and red pen in the house. Complete new passport form in black ink. Ensure passport is signed in black ink.
9. Return to Post Office. Queue.
10. Reach Plexiglass window. Submit form. Hold breath as woman behind Plexiglass checks form: yes, yes, yes ... YES!
11. Become suddenly impoverished, but happily so.

ONE WEEK LATER

1. Return home very late after very demanding day. Find very demanding letter from Passport Office on table demanding evidence of name change by Deed Poll. Ponder on name change? What name change? What Deed Poll?
2. Read demanding letter again and realise that the name on birth certificate does not match name on passport application. Remember that Registrar in Births, Deaths & Marriages seventeen years ago was a bit iffy about the lack of a hyphen in small, sweet baby daughter's surname and insisted on using capital letters for the two surnames which small, sweet baby daughter was saddled with despite the fact that one surname was meant to be a middle name and has subsequently never been used as a surname.
3. Ponder on what happened to small, sweet baby daughter ...
4. Ponder on likelihood of this being sorted without a) being arrested for making a passport application under false pretences and 2) being hospitalised.
5. Check travel insurance. Again.

How To Get a Passport

A cut out and keep guide

1. Collect passport form from kitchen table where it has been safely filed. Head off to find nearest Post Office.
2. Arrive at nearest Post Office and discover it has been demolished and an enormous supermarket is being built in its place. Every little does not help, thank you very much.
3. Find a Post Office a bit further away. Queue for twenty minutes. Reach front of queue, present passport paperwork. Take paperwork back when woman behind the Plexiglass window announces that this is not a something something Post Office. A what? A something something Post Office. Sorry, could you say that again? Recoil as woman shouts WE DON'T DO PASSPORTS.
4. Find another Post Office even further away. Stand in a queue of nineteen people. Watch woman at front of queue post twenty-two separate parcels. Count the parcels. Yes, right first time; there are twenty-two of 'em. Listen to Parcel Woman discuss her imminent move to Chester. Wonder aloud why she couldn't have posted her twenty-two parcels in Chester? Adopt innocent expression when Parcel Woman turns around and glares. Queue for forty minutes.
5. Reach front of queue. Present passport paperwork to woman behind Plexiglass window. Sag at knees when woman questions why no birth certificate has been included with the paperwork?
6. Go home. Make cup of coffee. Search for birth certificate. Find button tin, Hugh Fearnley-Thingummy's recipe for macaroni cheese, and gold earring which has been missing for months. Eventually find Important Paperwork File under bed, under pile of unopened Mslexia magazines, under electric blanket with the dodgy wiring. Congratulate oneself on superbly organised Important Paperwork.
7. Go back to Post Office. Join queue of seventeen people. Frisk everyone for excess parcelage. Apologise. Wait for twenty-five minutes. Reach front of queue.
8. Present passport paperwork. Produce birth certificate with smug flourish. Laugh uncertainly when woman behind Plexiglass window points out passport paperwork has not been signed. Laugh less uncertainly when woman insists that, no, she is not joking. Get escorted, sobbing quietly, from Post Office by Security Guard.
9. Arrive home. Answer phone call from school. Inform school that passport was applied for months ago and that of course it will arrive in time for foreign trip next Tuesday.
10. Check holiday insurance cancellation policy.

How to Hang a Picture

A cut out and keep guide

You will need a hammer, a picture hook, a nail, a roll of wrapping paper and a biro.

O, and a picture.

All that is very basic and obvious, so we shall proceed immediately to Advanced Picture-Hanging for which you will need three pictures.

1. Select wall. Hold up picture and admire position. Bang picture hook in wall. Hang picture. Realise that one has forgotten the picture wire on back of picture frame and said frame now hangs 4" lower than originally intended.
2. Measure distance between apex of wire and edge of frame using the handle of the hammer.
3. Hammer picture hook into new!improved! position using guesswork as one cannot use the hammer as a measuring aid and as a hammer simultaneously.
4. Hang picture.
5. Nod.
6. Measure up next picture. Achieve level by placing roll of wrapping paper atop first successfully hanged (hung?) frame.
7. Curse when roll of wrapping paper rolls off frame. Wonder if this is where the word 'roll' comes from?
8. Try again, holding wrapping paper in position with one hand and a hammer, a picture hook, a nail and another picture with the other hand. Realise one has left biro on kitchen table.
9. Attempt to reach kitchen table. Knock first picture off wall, drop picture hook, nail and hammer.
10. Watch nail roll between gap in floorboards and disappear. Curse.
11. Reposition first picture. Sellotape roll of wrapping paper to top of frame. Line up second picture. Hammer in new nail. Hang picture.
12. Realise one has forgotten about bloody picture wire again. Take picture down. Reposition picture hook again. Hammer in nail. Rehang picture.
13. Repeat five times until picture finally hangs in right position. Offer up a little prayer that no-one will ever take down picture and find out what a mess one has made of the plasterwork.
14. Step back. Nod.
15. Retrieve third picture. Realise one must now measure the space between pictures as well as the level in order to achieve an effect pleasing to the eye.
16. Sellotape roll of wrapping paper to the top of second picture.
17. Consider that only a fool would use the handle of a hammer as a measuring device!
18. Use ones forefinger as a measuring device. Use biro to mark finger so that the precise distance between pictures can be ascertained.
19. Hammer in picture hook. Narrowly miss measuring finger. Hang picture.
20. Repeat Step 12.
21. Repeat Step 13.
22. Repeat Step 14.
23. Affix notice informing all visitors that these pictures are best viewed when leaning slightly to the left.
24. Affix second notice informing all visitors that first notice is best viewed when leaning slightly to the right.

How to Make Small Talk

A cut out and keep guide

At this time of year, most of us have been afflicted with relatives, family gatherings, work dos, various social occasions and - let's face it - they are Hell.

So, over the course of this Festive Season, I have put rather a lot of effort into finding the perfect way to make small talk - in order to make the relatives et al less hellish.
 

There is the old maxim that in mixed company one must never discuss politics, religion or something else (I forget which). Having forgotten - or ignored -  (honestly, my thingummy is bobbins) that rule of late, I am at one with Mr. Twain:

'I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's.'

Besides, this Coalition nonsense has muddied the waters somewhat. Are they Liberals? Are they - boo, hiss - Tories in Woolly Liberals' clothing?

One throwaway remark about Mick Clogg being a Dishonorable Gentleman and suddenly half the room is cutting one dead. (Which at Christmas Luncheon is not a Good Thing.)

Now to the tried and trusted methods  - all of which have been thoroughly tried by your - ahem - Small Talk Specialist (Patent Pending).

These are opening gambits, work excellently on an intimate level - à deux - or can be proclaimed with confidence to a room crowded with strangers.

Bourbon Biscuits? Why?

There is no need to add to this statement. The debate will rage for hours.

Is there ever a place for pineapple on a pizza?

As above. (N.B. This conversation can take a turn for the worse unless you manage it carefully.)

- and that was when she found out he'd been having an affair with a Brazilian prostitute!

Initially, there will be a shocked silence, but stay with it. After a moment or so, everyone will want to know the details.

Three snippets of speech - voilà! - all you will ever need to traverse the travails of the Social Gathering. Abandon any chatter about weather, TV talent shows, or recent books read. And please do let me know how you get on.

Note, there is no charge for my excellent advice - my being possessed of a kind and generous soul. (Mick Clogg excepted).