The Bed & Breakfast Association: Epsom/Ewell Branch

Area Standards Sub-Committee - 6th April 2010

Represented by Bideawile (2 beds, 1 en suite), Wits End (1 double, 1 single, jacuzzi bath, gold taps), Dunroamin (family room, colour TV), Thistledo (1 double, bunk beds, Goblin Teasmaid).

1. Mrs Lyle (Bideawile) reported that a recent guest had put the complimentary shower cap over the smoke alarm and puffed on a pipe. It had taken three boil washes to get the smell out of the candlewick bedspread and the ruffle trim had shrunk on the left leaving it all puckered when she dressed the bed.

1-i. Mr Grayling (Wits End) established that he wouldn't give house room to a puf -

2. Time was limited said Miss Pugh (Thistledo) and reported that the local water seemed much harder these days and consequently her consumption of Fairy Non-Bio had increased two-fold.

2-i. Mr Grayling (Wits End) reiterated he had no room in his house for fai -

3. Very limited, agreed Mr Singh (Dunroamin) and had Miss Pugh (Thistledo) tried those knobbly balls? They had been sold in Woolworths (a moment's silence for that great emporium) in the household section but she might be able to buy them on the Shopping Channel?

3-i. Mr Grayling (Wits End) insisted that as far as he was concerned, they could keep their knobs and ba -

4. Moving on, said Mrs Lyle (Bidawile), a vegetarian family who had stayed for a week had played havoc with her sewers and after the plumber had sorted out the Water Closet, she'd made a loss.

4-1. Mr Grayling (Wits End) said they should all stay in the sodding clo -

5. Is that really the time? said Mr Singh (Dunroamin) and passed round a flyer from the local garden centre. All bedding plants 25% off. Mr Singh had planted up his window boxes with primulas and pansies and they looked lovely.

5-i. Mr Grayling (Wits End) emphasised that no bloody pans -

6. How delightful! said Miss Pugh (Thistledo) but she had to admit she had a soft spot for tulips, always a gay display.

6-i. Mr Grayling (Wits End) asserted that he'd take a shotgun to any ga -

7. I was thinking of red, white and blue for the summer, said Mr Singh (Dunroamin). Aubretia. Patriotic hanging baskets, something to honour Her Majesty the Queen.

7-i. Mr Grayling (Wits End) said he didn't care what the European Court of Human Rights said, no mincing quee -

8. Has anyone thought of offering dinners as well as breakfasts? asked Mrs Lyle (Bidawile). She'd found a lovely recipe for minced dumplings which you could put in the oven on a low heat and which were hardly any bother at all.

8-i. Mrs Pugh (Thistledo) said did she mean faggots?

8-ii. Don't even think about it, said Mr Singh (Dunroamin) and kicked Mr Grayling on the shin.

And so the meeting was drawn somewhat poetically to a close. Date of next meeting: 6th May 2010

Minutes of the Liberal-Fascist Collective

Present: Mr Stefan Ego, Mr Everard Wright LLB (Hons), Ms Phyllis Sinistra, Mrs Shirley Trot.

Apologies: Mr Wright apologised, blamed the broad beans and opened a window.

1 Mr Ego began the meeting calling the comrades to order to discuss ways to smash the BBC.

1i Ms Sinistra objected to the word smash on the grounds that it was far too violent a verb to be considered. On principle, she was against any sort of violence: violent action, violent language, violent thought and viol -

1ii Mr Ego interrupted to ask whether dismantle would a more appropriate verb?

1iii Ms Sinistra told Mr Ego to shut his ducking cake-hole before she shut it for him and that if he ever interrupted her again she would not be responsible for her actions.

1iv Mr Wright said he'd prefer it if the word Comrades was not used because he didn't like Reds or anything they stood for and that the BBC was fatally and fatuously infected with Reds, and the wearers of suede shoes, was a state-funded propoganda machine, was over-blown and mediocre (except for David Attenborough), and since they'd sacked the lovely Moira Stuart he had no time for any of them. Moira made even bad news sound acceptable and if anyone was going to break the unbearable news of Lady Thatcher's demise he wanted it to be Moira as she would at least be gentle with him. As it was, he lived in dread of the 9 o'clock news and whichever underfed harpy was going to be perched on the edge of a desk with her shirt undone to her waist. The Lady Margaret was worth more than this - much more! - and he was going to write to Points of View and tell them so.

The minute-taker asked for a few seconds respite to regain the feeling in her right hand.

2 It was proposed by Ms Trot that the BBC was a Stalinist tool of State Suppression as evidenced by Homes Under the Hammer -

2i And sickle was the next minuted interruption, although no-one would own to it. Mrs Trot muttered that it was possibly a collective remark.

2ii Mr Ego asked what was wrong with Stalin? What had he ever done to anyone? And why was it so bloody cold in here?

2iii Ms Sinistra said that Central Heating wasn't Socialist, whereas in buying and wearing hand-knitted woollies from a Peruvian Collective she was supporting The Workers and Workers' Rights.

2iv Mr Wright suggested the The Workers didn't have a right to make such horrendously patterned jumpers and that llamas didn't look like that anyway.

3 Calling the meeting to order once again, Mrs Trot asked whether they were all in agreement that the BBC should get much smaller?

3i It was unanimously agreed that henceforth the corporation would be referred to as the bbc in all L-F C Minutes.

4 It was unanimously agreed that Antiques Roadshow hadn't been the same since that nice Mr Aspel left.

5 It was unanimously agreed that things had gone downhill since Terry had departed from the breakfast show on bbc Radio 2.

6 It was unanimously agreed that - Moira apart - no-one had ever read The News quite as well as Richard Baker, although Robert Dougall and Kenneth Kendall weren't bad considering.

7 It was unanimously agreed that Angela Rippon had brought the noble art of newsreading into disrepute by showing her legs on the Morecambe & Wise Show in 1977.

8 Mr Ego proposed that there were too many metrosexuals currently on the bbc.

8i Mr Wright said that he had been far too busy with his own criminal practice to keep count of any passing metrosexual.

9 Mrs Trot suggested that they send a letter of support to poor Mr Murdoch who was struggling to make a living in the face of very unfair business practice by the bbc monopoly.

9i Ms Sinistra wanted it minuting that there was no social housing anywhere on a Monopoly Board.

9ii Mr Ego suggested that what England needed was a Fox News Channel. And to break the Metroplitan Monopoly, it could be situated in his home town of Barking.

9iii Where's the fox that? asked Mr Wright.

The meeting was temporarily adjourned as Cash in the Attic was about to start.

Minutes of the Non-Violent Klu Klux Klan

Matters Arising
As agreed at the previous meeting, all hoods and robes are now to be used to practise napkin-folding. Pinking shears are available at Trade Prices.

1. Imperial Wizard, Mr Snow demonstrated how to make a swan out of purest white linen. Miss Alabaster, the Imperial Cyclops, fashioned a lily. Mr Snow opined that Oriental Lilies had no place on a NVKKK table setting. Miss Alabaster questioned whether the swans were black-necked swans and whether they had an place on a NVKKK table setting. A motion was passed that swans were acceptable providing they only had a right wing.

At this point the Chair intervened and reminded Members that as a newly constituted NON-VIOLENT branch of the KKK, Miss Alabaster should replace the vase on the sidetable and Mr Snow should take his bovver boots off and leave them by the back door.

2. It was agreed that the accidental burning of a synagogue was due to a mishap with a bottle of Sambucca and a tapered candle. No intentional arson was committed and that the inflagration was poorly reported by the Loony Left Press (in an inflammatory manner said Grand Dragon Mrs Payle) and was more of a singe than anything.

3. Mr Wann, the Mighty Titan, proposed that the NVKKK issue a dinner invitation to one Nicholas Griffin. Miss Alabaster said that NG was the just sort to call a napkin a serviette. It was agreed that the shocked silence following this statement should also be minuted.

4. The Membership voted unanimously that NG was indeed the sort of person to call a napkin a serviette and, as such, no official NVKKK invitation would be forthcoming. It was also suggested by several members that NG might chew with his mouth open. This met with nods of agreement. Mr Snow pounded the table and, in his excitement, squashed a swan.

5. The dress code of the next Social Luncheon was raised. Mr Wann objected to Black Tie and insisted on White Tie. Mrs Payle said Any Fool Knows that White Tie is to be worn after 6pm and accompanied by a ballgown, and that she hadn't finished the catalogue payments for her robe and hood and would look darkly on suggestions of further expense.

6. Mr Wann objected to use of the term darkly.

7. Ms Alabaster suggested putting on the kettle and asked who wanted coffee? Mrs Payle said she would drink tea; the great British drink. Mr Snow said he had both Chinese or Indian tea and which would she prefer? And, as the milk was sour, would she drink it black? Perhaps with a sliver of lemon?

8. Mr Wann objected to the term black.

9. Mrs Payle objected to both Chinese and Indian tea. Mr Snow pointed out (testily) that tea didn't grow in Burnley and crushed the remaining swan. (He may have muttered ****ing old dragon although this is still in dispute). Ms Alabaster said she had come over a bit queer and had to sit down suddenly - sadly upon several lily napkins.

10. Mr Wann objected to the term queer.

11. Mrs Payle said she didn't think she'd ever get the creases out of her napkins and that certain large posteriors had put her behind in her NVQ Level One.

12. The Finance Sub-committee - in a quick change of subject - reported that the recent payment of subs meant the accounts were currently in the black.

13. Mr Wann objected violently to in the black - in as violent a manner as a non-violent organisation would permit within the guidelines of its non-violent Mems & Arts.

In Any Other Business, the Members were encouraged to research a Christmas theme for the next meeting; napkins folded to look like trees, presents or Father Christmasses.

Mr Wann said that Father Christmas was a bloody foreigner, and he would insist on a home grown tree, none of that Norwegian rubbish.

The Minute Taker at this point was compelled to unilaterally revoke the non-violent constitution and later, upon restitution of his spectacles (slightly chipped), jotter and pen, declared the meeting closed.