Overheard Conversations #10

Location: Living room, interior, evening.

Characters: Mum, Teenage Daughter (Banshee), (Not so) Small Boy.

Small Boy (ENTERING LIVING ROOM WAVING SHEET OF PAPER): I've done my homework!

Banshee (WATCHING TV): Shhhh!

Mum: Well done.

Banshee: Shhhh!

Mum: Did you spell check it?

Banshee: SHHHH!

Small Boy: Forgot.

Mum: Pass it here.

BANSHEE TURNS UP THE VOLUME OF THE TV.

Mum: Why's it in German?

Small Boy: What?

Mum: WILL YOU TURN THAT DOWN, PLEASE! (TV VOLUME IS LOWERED). Why have you done your homework in German?

Banshee: It's German homework?

Small Boy: I don't do German. I do French.

Banshee: So why's your homework in German?

Small Boy: Babelfish.

Banshee (SNORTS): Babelfish's rubbish.

Mum: What's a Babel Fish?

Small Boy: It's an online something that translates something into something else.

Mum (CONFUSED): And what homework is this?

Small Boy: History.

Mum: Why have you written your history homework in German?

Banshee: Because he's an idiot.

Small Boy (PRODUCES A CRUMPLED PIECE OF PAPER FROM HIS POCKET): I've got it in English, too. I can read it out.

Banshee: I'm trying to watch TV.

Mum: Go in the other room.

Small Boy (CLEARS THROAT AND READS LOUDLY): Our great leader, Adolf Hitler -

Mum: What?

Small Boy: - is a much misunderstood man, who -

Banshee (TURNS OFF THE TV): This is gonna be good.

Small Boy: - is not at all violentistic -

Banshee: Violentistic!

Small Boy: - but very humoristic and in the privacy of his own home he often curls back his upper lip and does an excellent rabbit impression -

Mum: WHAT?

Small Boy: He is a vegetarian who is kind to small children and animals -

Banshee: HAHAHAHAHA!

Small Boy: - and takes a daily walk in his local park, stopping for a nice warming drink in -

Mum (SNATCHING THE PAPER FROM SMALL BOY): What on earth is this?

Banshee: He's a Nazi. I warned you. Woodcraft Folk, then Scouts -

Small Boy: I'm a spy!

Mum: A what?

Small Boy: A spy. The thing is, Mum, I'm pretending to be an English spy pretending to be a German journalist and I've cleverly revealed lots of information about Hitler so that then The Allies will be able to use it -

Banshee (SIGHING LOUDLY): If only Churchill had known about the rabbit impersonations!

Small Boy: - and then they'll send a group of undercover assassinators -

Mum: Assassins

Small Boy: Assassinators -

Banshee: Disguised as small children and animals?

Small Boy: To assassin him. They could poison his nice warming drink -

Mum: You can't hand this in! Your teacher will think we're a family of fascists!

Banshee: And?

Mum: What was the title of this homework?

Small Boy (SEARCHES POCKETS AND PRODUCES A TATTY SCRAP OF PAPER. HE UNFOLDS IT AND READS): The Vikings and Their Trading Empire.

Mum: What has this got to do with the Vikings?

Small Boy (SHRUGS): Nothing.

Mum: Then please explain why you have written an essay on how wonderful Hitler is in German?

Small Boy: Babelfish wouldn't do Viking.

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