Every Lidl Helps

In a bid to combat accusations of an elitist grocery system, David Cameron has ordered the Home Secretary to investigate why there are no decent supermarkets in London.

On Saturday, the Prime Minister confided in a local resident: “I'm terrified living in central London. Am I going to find a good food emporium for my house-keeper, nutritionist and personal chef? I feel it as a gourmand, let alone a politician."

The comments have provoked outrage from the shop-keeping profession and opposition politicians, and anger from Tesco-controlled Westminster city council.

Mrs Doris Glossop has invited Mr Cameron to tour the Lidl store, just over ten miles from Downing Street, where she has been a checkout operator/shelf-stacker for three years. “Our carrier bags may not have the cachet of Marks & Spencer, but they are every bit as sturdy,” she said. "We have fresh food, frozen and tinned here. We even do international weeks with Indian and Chinese delicacies – subject to limited availability. I would be very happy for the Camerons to come and visit. We extend an invite to them.”

The Camerons still have several months’ worth of store-cupboard essentials to get through before they’ll need to shop around. Their spokesman denied that the couple had always planned to be Ocado customers.

“David dearly wants to support the local grocers but he rarely finds polenta on their shelves and their sundried tomatoes tend to be marinated in vegetable oil rather than single estate virgin olive oil he prefers.”

Cameron's family shopped at Fortnum & Mason whilst his wife's frequented Harrod's Food Hall. Last year, Cameron told a newspaper: "In an ideal world, I would like my children to shop at Asda, but the pyjama-clad clientele are - frankly - off-putting."