How to Hang a Picture

A cut out and keep guide

You will need a hammer, a picture hook, a nail, a roll of wrapping paper and a biro.

O, and a picture.

All that is very basic and obvious, so we shall proceed immediately to Advanced Picture-Hanging for which you will need three pictures.

1. Select wall. Hold up picture and admire position. Bang picture hook in wall. Hang picture. Realise that one has forgotten the picture wire on back of picture frame and said frame now hangs 4" lower than originally intended.
2. Measure distance between apex of wire and edge of frame using the handle of the hammer.
3. Hammer picture hook into new!improved! position using guesswork as one cannot use the hammer as a measuring aid and as a hammer simultaneously.
4. Hang picture.
5. Nod.
6. Measure up next picture. Achieve level by placing roll of wrapping paper atop first successfully hanged (hung?) frame.
7. Curse when roll of wrapping paper rolls off frame. Wonder if this is where the word 'roll' comes from?
8. Try again, holding wrapping paper in position with one hand and a hammer, a picture hook, a nail and another picture with the other hand. Realise one has left biro on kitchen table.
9. Attempt to reach kitchen table. Knock first picture off wall, drop picture hook, nail and hammer.
10. Watch nail roll between gap in floorboards and disappear. Curse.
11. Reposition first picture. Sellotape roll of wrapping paper to top of frame. Line up second picture. Hammer in new nail. Hang picture.
12. Realise one has forgotten about bloody picture wire again. Take picture down. Reposition picture hook again. Hammer in nail. Rehang picture.
13. Repeat five times until picture finally hangs in right position. Offer up a little prayer that no-one will ever take down picture and find out what a mess one has made of the plasterwork.
14. Step back. Nod.
15. Retrieve third picture. Realise one must now measure the space between pictures as well as the level in order to achieve an effect pleasing to the eye.
16. Sellotape roll of wrapping paper to the top of second picture.
17. Consider that only a fool would use the handle of a hammer as a measuring device!
18. Use ones forefinger as a measuring device. Use biro to mark finger so that the precise distance between pictures can be ascertained.
19. Hammer in picture hook. Narrowly miss measuring finger. Hang picture.
20. Repeat Step 12.
21. Repeat Step 13.
22. Repeat Step 14.
23. Affix notice informing all visitors that these pictures are best viewed when leaning slightly to the left.
24. Affix second notice informing all visitors that first notice is best viewed when leaning slightly to the right.