Saturday, 15 May 2010

Dearly Beloved

Having identified gay marriage and abortion as currently among the most insidious and dangerous challenges to society, Pope Benedict will expand on this theme during his weekly sermon in St. Peter's Square.

Referencing various verses in the Bible, he will preach against other ominous behavioural trends which threaten to hurtle us into the apocalypse/abomination/desolation quicker than the bidding at a Princess Diana frock auction in Brighton.

These include:

Sitting on damp grass, swallowing chewing gum, pulling faces during windy conditions, standing on the cracks in the pavement, and not picking pennies up.

Amen and please shake hands with the person next to you - a brief, strong MANLY handshake, nothing else.

P.S. Do those plastic grooms remind you of anyone?


  1. Dear Gawd, next time please do a better job of vetting applicants for position of Your Personal Sales Rep.

    Don't let me keep going, Moptop. If it weren't so ludicrous and irrational, I'd be livid. How do these I'll stop there.

  2. He is a bit of a fiend when he gets going. Soft spoken, flamboyantly dressed, like a religious man’s Quentin Crisp.

  3. So the Pope doesn't do housework either?

  4. @ Deborah - God was inordinately fond of beetles, judging by the number of slightly different variants He created.

    According to Benedict, He's less keen on gays and feckless women.

    But if He likes beetles so much (as entomologists would have us believe) then I can't see He'd have TIME to worry about two blokes on a bun.

  5. My parents never said anything about homosexuality. They did, however, warn me not to swallow chewing gum and not to sit on damp grass.

    Thye didn't say anything about sex either, come to think of it.

  6. @ Michael - by my standards that constitutes a balanced childhood.

  7. Whenever I hear the words 'insidious' and dangerous' I always think of the Catholic Church.

    Oh, and spookily, I just blogged about the apocaly[pse before I'd read this (*spooky music*)

  8. Bébé, we ARE in the End of Days after all.

    Even The Archers has gone all apocalyptic on us. In the last episode, Ruth and David separated the goats from the lambs.