Sunday, 2 May 2010

Out, damned Sloth! out I say!

Further updates on My Brilliant Career

For reasons beyond my ken(nel), the Pet Psychic business has not been as successful as I'd anticipated so I've decided to diversify. Diversification is quite the thing. On The Archers, no-one just trundles round on a tractor vaguely ploughing any more. Instead they make cheese, yoghurt, icecream, and breed lamb-burgers (mint optional), venison chops and someone knits mittens out of llamas.

So, from today I am happy to be able to offer you a bespoke Demon Casting Out Service. I've seen a gap in the market as once Philippa Stroud is elected to Parliament as the MP for Sutton and Cheam, it is unlikely that she'll be able to meet her Demon Quota.

She's a high-flyer (which I think means she catches the demons in a large butterfly net) but I've never been one for aerial acrobatics, so will take a much more earthbound approach. That will be my USP: a practical and pragmatic approach to demon discharge.

Executive Service (The Big Seven with free complementary hot towels and aromatherapy foot rub)

Lucifer: pride
Mammon: greed
Asmodeus: lust
Leviathan: envy
Beelzebub: gluttony
Satan/Amon: wrath
Belphegor: sloth

(This is in line with Peter Binsfeld's classification of 1589. Keep an eye on The Stockmarket as once I go live, shares in Weightwatchers will tumble. )

European Service (All of the above but with added siesta)

Carreau: hardness of heart
Carnivean: obscenity and shamelessness
Oeillet: breaking vows
Rosier: sexual impurity
Verrier: disobedience

( Francesco Maria Guazzo was Italian so his obsession with sex shouldn't come as much of a surprise - although I don't think Philippa is Italian so that stereotype doesn't translate as well as I thought. No matter - keep a weather eye on British Rubber.)

Parliamentarian Service (All of the above but with added expenses)

Pythius: liars
Belial: vessels of iniquity
Merihem: pestilences
Abaddon: wars and devastation
Astaroth: inquisitors and accusers

(Sell! Sell! Sell!)

I'll also be offering a Demon of the Month service on B.O.G.O.F. which is unbeatable value (though I say it myself).
May sees Lucifer in the hot seat but after the 6th, I foresee considerable demand for this option and so bookings will be honoured strictly on a first-come basis.

Usual Terms & Conditions apply


  1. It's the idea of it being a 'bespoke' service that tickles me.

  2. Moptop

    I shall ponder on my demons and get back to you. But you can count on having to expunge Lucifer, Satan and Belphegor; certainly Verrier and probably Belial too.

    As I'm getting old now am already freed from Asmodeus, Carnivean and Rosier thank christ.

  3. Sheffpixie - if I complete a fast-track NVQ Level 3 in Demonology, I might be able to arrange the reinstallation of Asmodeus, Carnivean and Rosier.

    I'll add a 3-for-2 offer and if the tie in with Tesco goes ahead, you'll even get Clubcard points on the deal.

    What do you say?

    Fran - I can do bespoke, bechant or beululation. (But that's extra.)

  4. Moptop

    if I complete a fast-track NVQ Level 3 in Demonology, I might be able to arrange the reinstallation of Asmodeus, Carnivean and Rosier.

    I'll give it some thought. Although am not at all certain my constitution could take the excitement any longer and it is rather a squelchy business as I recall.