Tuesday, 8 June 2010

Qu'ils mangent de la brioche

The annual assembly of the top secret organisation, The Battenberg Group, has been held in Spain.

Delegates from Betty Crocker, Sara Lee and Twinkie were all thought to be present at the conference although under Gingerbread House Rules no register of attendees was kept and minutes of meetings remain unpublished.

At the Hotel Dolce, security was ramped up. Pastry chefs patrolled the perimeter grounds, whilst pâtissiers in crisp, cotton aprons guarded the hotel steps.

Not suprisingly, confectionery theories abound. David Ickels-Cake, the former sports presenter and Son of God, believes Battenberg members are descended from a race of ancient stollen recipes. "The numbers of death by chocolate is on the increase. It is clear who is responsible. We must strike at the very fondants of society! Cast the marzipanned minions into the dessert!"

Mr Kipling, a member of the Battenberg Steering Committee for thirty years, gave a statement to Sasha Torte, the cookery correspondent of The Guardian, who had been posting a daily blog from Spain.

"To say we are striving for one-cake governance is exaggerated, but not wholly unfair. Those of us in Battenberg feel we can't go on forever icing one another for nothing and buttercream-filling people and rendering millions bunless. But conspiracy theorists like David are just a croquembouche. I suspect he's been on the blue Smarties."

The other delegates have remained sweet-toothed and tight-lipped. Clearly, what happens in Battenberg stays in Battenberg.


  1. I feel a mysterious need to contact my dentist.

  2. Delegates are all a bit square to my way of thinking - or am I influenced by the sight of the cake?

  3. Fascinating stuff! A plot by Mr Kipling to take over the world!!
    "No, Mr Bond, I expect you to DIET!"

  4. @ Lane - You are being mind-controlled by the New World Order. I suspect the American Dental Association is at the bottom of this ...

    @ Jinksy - underneath the sober, besuited exteriors. blue lizards lurk. Allegedly.

    @ Bébé - Crumbs!