Overheard Conversations #7

Location: Living room. Interior. Day

Characters: Annie - elderly lady. Various other relatives whose names will become apparent. (Just read the script). All are dressed in sober colours.

Through the window a hearse can be seen pulling into the driveway. A black-suited man arranges a floral tribute on the crazy paving: Grandad spelled in white chrysanthemums.

David (LOOKING THROUGH THE WINDOW AND MUTTERING): Anyone would think we were The Krays.
Val: Shush! You'll upset your nana.
Annie (SEATED IN HIGH BACK ARMCHAIR BY THE GAS FIRE): Well, this is nice. (SHE SMILES). All the family. (SHE LOOKS ROUND). Where's Mick?
David: Dad's having a fag outside.
Annie: Has he eaten all the sausage rolls?
Val: No, Mum. There's another tray in the oven.
Annie: Don't burn them. We all know what you're like. (ADDRESSING THE ROOM). She could burn hot water.
Sandra (HESITANTLY): Would you like more tea, Auntie Annie.
Annie: No, or I'll be wanting to tinkle when the vicar's doing his bit. (BEAT). I need my shoes fetching.
NO-ONE MOVES.
Annie: David, fetch my shoes.
David: Where are they, Nana?
Annie: Under my bed. You can use the Stannah. It'll take any weight. (BEAT). Even yours.
DAVID LEAVES ROOM
Annie (LOUDLY): It wasn't fashionable to be fat when I was his age.
Val: He's not fat. It's muscle, Mum.
Annie: Where's that tea you promised me, Sandra?
SANDRA POURS A CUP AND BRINGS IT TO ANNIE.
Annie (GRABBING AND PATTING HER HAND): Are you tired, Sandra?
Sandra: No, Auntie Annie.
Annie: You look tired.
Sandra: I'm not tired. (QUICKLY). I'm sorry about Uncle Harold. Was it sudden?
ANNIE STARES AT HER.
Annie: I've never been one to tell someone they look good when I don't think they do. (BEAT). Drawn. You look drawn.
Sandra: I'm fine.
Annie: Mind you, it's been ten years since I've seen you. You might always look like that.
Val: Mum!
Annie: I was just saying -
Jonathan (ENTERING FROM HALLWAY): Mr. Price wants us to leave in five minutes.
Annie: But I haven't drunk my tea.
Jonathan: We don't want to be late.
Annie: Your father was always late. He'd be late for his own funeral.
SILENCE.
David (ENTERING ROOM): These shoes, Nana?
Annie: No, my navy blue shoes.
David: These are navy.
Annie: My other navy blue shoes.
(DAVID LEAVES THE ROOM).
Val: Right, I've locked the back door.
Annie: What about the sausage rolls?
Val: I've turned the oven off.
Annie: They'll go cold
Jonathan: We need to leave.
Annie: I can't afford to waste good food. Especially on a single pension.
DAVID ENTERS ROOM, HOLDING A PAIR OF SHOES.
Annie: No! I've got bunions. I'm not sitting there with sore feet.
DAVID LEAVES ROOM AGAIN.
Jonathan (LOUDLY): If everyone could please make their way outside -
Annie: Wrap them in foil and we'll eat them on the way.
Val: I don't want a sausage roll.
Annie: Sandra will eat one, won't you, Sandra?
Sandra: I -
Annie: And the men outside.
Val: Flaky pastry in a hearse?
Annie: Your father loved a sausage roll. Not keen on them cold, though.
Jonathan (SHOUTING): David! Hurry up, please!
Annie: I'll wear my slippers. No sense in suffering.
Val: I'll fetch your shoes.
Jonathan (TO VAL): She can wear her bloody slippers for all I care. Just get her out the house.
Annie: It's a shame Liza's not here.
Jonathan: I told you, she's meeting us at the crem.
Annie: Valerie! Wrap up a sausage roll for Liza. Better make it two. (BEAT). She likes her food.
A CAR BEEPS OUTSIDE.
Annie: Where are my shoes?
Val: I've got them here.
Annie (STRUGGLING TO STAND UP): I need a tinkle.
Jonathan: We've got to go!
Annie: So have I -
Jonathan: We're going to be late.
Annie: I hope that great lump hasn't broken my Stannah.
Jonathan: I'll be waiting in the car. Sandra, you sit in the front. Val?
Val: I'm coming! David?
THEY LEAVE THE ROOM.
Annie (FLOPS BACK INTO THE CHAIR AND CLOSES HER EYES): Oh, Harold...

Roll credits.