Minutes of the Non-Violent Klu Klux Klan

Matters Arising
As agreed at the previous meeting, all hoods and robes are now to be used to practise napkin-folding. Pinking shears are available at Trade Prices.

1. Imperial Wizard, Mr Snow demonstrated how to make a swan out of purest white linen. Miss Alabaster, the Imperial Cyclops, fashioned a lily. Mr Snow opined that Oriental Lilies had no place on a NVKKK table setting. Miss Alabaster questioned whether the swans were black-necked swans and whether they had an place on a NVKKK table setting. A motion was passed that swans were acceptable providing they only had a right wing.

At this point the Chair intervened and reminded Members that as a newly constituted NON-VIOLENT branch of the KKK, Miss Alabaster should replace the vase on the sidetable and Mr Snow should take his bovver boots off and leave them by the back door.

2. It was agreed that the accidental burning of a synagogue was due to a mishap with a bottle of Sambucca and a tapered candle. No intentional arson was committed and that the inflagration was poorly reported by the Loony Left Press (in an inflammatory manner said Grand Dragon Mrs Payle) and was more of a singe than anything.

3. Mr Wann, the Mighty Titan, proposed that the NVKKK issue a dinner invitation to one Nicholas Griffin. Miss Alabaster said that NG was the just sort to call a napkin a serviette. It was agreed that the shocked silence following this statement should also be minuted.

4. The Membership voted unanimously that NG was indeed the sort of person to call a napkin a serviette and, as such, no official NVKKK invitation would be forthcoming. It was also suggested by several members that NG might chew with his mouth open. This met with nods of agreement. Mr Snow pounded the table and, in his excitement, squashed a swan.

5. The dress code of the next Social Luncheon was raised. Mr Wann objected to Black Tie and insisted on White Tie. Mrs Payle said Any Fool Knows that White Tie is to be worn after 6pm and accompanied by a ballgown, and that she hadn't finished the catalogue payments for her robe and hood and would look darkly on suggestions of further expense.

6. Mr Wann objected to use of the term darkly.

7. Ms Alabaster suggested putting on the kettle and asked who wanted coffee? Mrs Payle said she would drink tea; the great British drink. Mr Snow said he had both Chinese or Indian tea and which would she prefer? And, as the milk was sour, would she drink it black? Perhaps with a sliver of lemon?

8. Mr Wann objected to the term black.

9. Mrs Payle objected to both Chinese and Indian tea. Mr Snow pointed out (testily) that tea didn't grow in Burnley and crushed the remaining swan. (He may have muttered ****ing old dragon although this is still in dispute). Ms Alabaster said she had come over a bit queer and had to sit down suddenly - sadly upon several lily napkins.

10. Mr Wann objected to the term queer.

11. Mrs Payle said she didn't think she'd ever get the creases out of her napkins and that certain large posteriors had put her behind in her NVQ Level One.

12. The Finance Sub-committee - in a quick change of subject - reported that the recent payment of subs meant the accounts were currently in the black.

13. Mr Wann objected violently to in the black - in as violent a manner as a non-violent organisation would permit within the guidelines of its non-violent Mems & Arts.

In Any Other Business, the Members were encouraged to research a Christmas theme for the next meeting; napkins folded to look like trees, presents or Father Christmasses.

Mr Wann said that Father Christmas was a bloody foreigner, and he would insist on a home grown tree, none of that Norwegian rubbish.

The Minute Taker at this point was compelled to unilaterally revoke the non-violent constitution and later, upon restitution of his spectacles (slightly chipped), jotter and pen, declared the meeting closed.