Minutes of the Liberal-Fascist Collective

Present: Mr Stefan Ego, Mr Everard Wright LLB (Hons), Ms Phyllis Sinistra, Mrs Shirley Trot.

Apologies: Mr Wright apologised, blamed the broad beans and opened a window.

1 Mr Ego began the meeting calling the comrades to order to discuss ways to smash the BBC.

1i Ms Sinistra objected to the word smash on the grounds that it was far too violent a verb to be considered. On principle, she was against any sort of violence: violent action, violent language, violent thought and viol -

1ii Mr Ego interrupted to ask whether dismantle would a more appropriate verb?

1iii Ms Sinistra told Mr Ego to shut his ducking cake-hole before she shut it for him and that if he ever interrupted her again she would not be responsible for her actions.

1iv Mr Wright said he'd prefer it if the word Comrades was not used because he didn't like Reds or anything they stood for and that the BBC was fatally and fatuously infected with Reds, and the wearers of suede shoes, was a state-funded propoganda machine, was over-blown and mediocre (except for David Attenborough), and since they'd sacked the lovely Moira Stuart he had no time for any of them. Moira made even bad news sound acceptable and if anyone was going to break the unbearable news of Lady Thatcher's demise he wanted it to be Moira as she would at least be gentle with him. As it was, he lived in dread of the 9 o'clock news and whichever underfed harpy was going to be perched on the edge of a desk with her shirt undone to her waist. The Lady Margaret was worth more than this - much more! - and he was going to write to Points of View and tell them so.

The minute-taker asked for a few seconds respite to regain the feeling in her right hand.

2 It was proposed by Ms Trot that the BBC was a Stalinist tool of State Suppression as evidenced by Homes Under the Hammer -

2i And sickle was the next minuted interruption, although no-one would own to it. Mrs Trot muttered that it was possibly a collective remark.

2ii Mr Ego asked what was wrong with Stalin? What had he ever done to anyone? And why was it so bloody cold in here?

2iii Ms Sinistra said that Central Heating wasn't Socialist, whereas in buying and wearing hand-knitted woollies from a Peruvian Collective she was supporting The Workers and Workers' Rights.

2iv Mr Wright suggested the The Workers didn't have a right to make such horrendously patterned jumpers and that llamas didn't look like that anyway.

3 Calling the meeting to order once again, Mrs Trot asked whether they were all in agreement that the BBC should get much smaller?

3i It was unanimously agreed that henceforth the corporation would be referred to as the bbc in all L-F C Minutes.

4 It was unanimously agreed that Antiques Roadshow hadn't been the same since that nice Mr Aspel left.

5 It was unanimously agreed that things had gone downhill since Terry had departed from the breakfast show on bbc Radio 2.

6 It was unanimously agreed that - Moira apart - no-one had ever read The News quite as well as Richard Baker, although Robert Dougall and Kenneth Kendall weren't bad considering.

7 It was unanimously agreed that Angela Rippon had brought the noble art of newsreading into disrepute by showing her legs on the Morecambe & Wise Show in 1977.

8 Mr Ego proposed that there were too many metrosexuals currently on the bbc.

8i Mr Wright said that he had been far too busy with his own criminal practice to keep count of any passing metrosexual.

9 Mrs Trot suggested that they send a letter of support to poor Mr Murdoch who was struggling to make a living in the face of very unfair business practice by the bbc monopoly.

9i Ms Sinistra wanted it minuting that there was no social housing anywhere on a Monopoly Board.

9ii Mr Ego suggested that what England needed was a Fox News Channel. And to break the Metroplitan Monopoly, it could be situated in his home town of Barking.

9iii Where's the fox that? asked Mr Wright.

The meeting was temporarily adjourned as Cash in the Attic was about to start.