Labour's Dirty Tricks Campaign

Danny Alexander, son of the famous pipe band duo, today accused Labour of "laying stinkbombs around Whitehall."

Mr Alexander, sporting a sopping shirt and wet hair said, "And it didn't stop there. Harriet Harman asked me to smell the plastic carnation in her lapel."

Mick Clegg denied that his black eye was due to 'political differences' but blamed a small telescope loaned to him by Ed Balls. "He said it would give me an intimate view of the Horse Guards and I took him at his word."

Teresa May, sneezing and scratching wildly, said that several colleagues were nursing bruised fingers after accepting offers of chewing gum from the Miliband brothers. "I've been most shocked," she said, "by the biro they left on my desk."

The first cabinet meeting was disrupted by a series of loud farts. Several plastic skeletons have been found in cupboards. The chocolate dog turd left left in the Foreign Office was in particularly poor taste said an anonymous source, "Especially as everyone knows William holds Belgian chocolate in low regard."

An internal memo sent to all coalition MPs has advised against accepting humbugs or cigars from any Shadow Cabinet member. It ends with the message: "If Peter Mandleson invites you to inspect his ring, decline firmly but politely."

Wiping tears of laughter from his eyes, Alistair Darling chuckled, "It's just a bit of fun. David's already demonstrated he can take a joke, hasn't he?"