Chris Grayling clarified his new role in Government: "For far too long the British Bed & Breakfast industry has been the laughing stock of Europe. I've been appointed at the cost of £137,691 p.a. to bring some much-needed rigour into standards."
He admitted that he had thought long and hard before accepting this difficult position. "I have slept in my fair share of strange beds over the years," he said, "and there have been a number of times when I've been roughly woken in the night by a sudden protuberance."
Any B&B reaching chartermark status (The Golden Banger) will be inspected on a number of levels: mattress quality, quilted toilet tissue, potpourri and provision of Candlewick bedspreads.
Mr Grayling continued: "In some establishments, they're clearly playing hide the sausage. One flabby egg, some greasy fried bread and the chipolata's nowhere to be seen. Following the example of my great leader and his close friend's relentless internal probes into other governmental departments, I will be engaging in a series of intimate inspections to ensure that B&Bs across Britain can raise their flagpoles with pride!"
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Pray, since when has a croissant featured on an English Breakfast plate?
ReplyDelete@ Jinsky - it's a sop to Europe. Don't worry, William Hague will ban all croissants and brioche within the next 12 months ...
ReplyDeleteHahahaha!!! Very funny, Moptop. Oh, and did you know there's no such phrase as 'double entendre' in French??
ReplyDeleteOooh, saucy! I hope he ensures that henceforth we shall all get 'A Full English' in the morning, whatever side our toast is buttered on.
ReplyDelete* Ooh - I think I just invented two new euphemisms.
The Full English is already in use in some circles ... I can say no more as I promised to keep it under my hat (the wearing of which we have established is no longer compulsory).
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