Thursday, 27 August 2009

Mother's Tongue #2

Mother: Are you out of bed yet?
Daughter: It's half-past three.
Mother: Mary's home.
Daughter: I didn't know she'd been away.
Mother: Poland. Three weeks.
Daughter: Did she have a good break?
Mother: I had a good break. (BEAT). She's driving me mad.
Daughter: Hmm?
Mother: I took her to Morrison's on Friday.
Daughter: That was nice.
Mother: She was telling me about something she'd eaten.
Daughter: Yes?
Mother: Oliver oils.
Daughter: Oliver oils?
Mother: Oliver oils. I said, "Describe them to me, Mary" and she said, "You can eat them hot or cold."
Daughter: Oliver oils?
Mother: Sweet or savoury.
Daughter: Oliver oils?
Mother: And that a lady would take two bites but a man would stuff it in all at once.
Daughter: Oliver oils?
Mother: Vol-au-vents.
Daughter: Ohhh...
Mother: Yes, I got there in the end. She leaned over, patted me on the knee and said "Good girl, patience is a virgin."
Daughter: How's Dad?
Mother: Don't ask!
Daughter: Okay.
Mother: He's put a sign up on the spare bedroom.
Daughter: Sign?
Mother: Presidential Suite.
Daughter: What?
Mother: He thinks we should start a B&B.
Daughter: Why?
Mother: He's met a man in sausages.
Daughter: In sausages?
Mother: Gets them cheap. Your father says people will go for a Presidential Suite and unlimited sausage sandwiches.
Daughter: I hope you've said no.
Mother: The sign's fallen off twice.
Daughter: How's the book?
A VOICE IS HEARD: Duchess! Duchess!
Daughter: Who's that?
Mother (WHISPERING): Mary. She said she'd bring some parkin for your father. But I've hidden the infra-red.
Daughter: Infra-red what?
Mother: That massage thing. He puts on his bathrobe and gets Mary to do his neck.
Daughter: Sausage sandwiches and a full body massage by a seventy-six year old Pole? You'll be booked up.
VOICE COMING CLOSER: Duchess! Duchess?
Mother: Ring me later, I'm going to hide.