Mother's Tongue #2

Mother: Are you out of bed yet?

Daughter: It's half-past three.

Mother: Mary's home.

Daughter: I didn't know she'd been away.

Mother: Poland. Three weeks.

Daughter: Did she have a good break?

Mother: I had a good break. (BEAT). She's driving me mad.

Daughter: Hmm?

Mother: I took her to Morrison's on Friday.

Daughter: That was nice.

Mother: She was telling me about something she'd eaten.

Daughter: Yes?

Mother: Oliver oils.

Daughter: Oliver oils?

Mother: Oliver oils. I said, "Describe them to me, Mary" and she said, "You can eat them hot or cold."
Daughter: Oliver oils?

Mother: Sweet or savoury.

Daughter: Oliver oils?

Mother: And that a lady would take two bites but a man would stuff it in all at once.

Daughter: Oliver oils?

Mother: Vol-au-vents.

Daughter: Ohhh...

Mother: Yes, I got there in the end. She leaned over, patted me on the knee and said "Good girl, patience is a virgin."

Daughter: How's Dad?

Mother: Don't ask!

Daughter: Okay.

Mother: He's put a sign up on the spare bedroom.

Daughter: Sign?

Mother: Presidential Suite.

Daughter: What?

Mother: He thinks we should start a B&B.

Daughter: Why?

Mother: He's met a man in sausages.

Daughter: In sausages?

Mother: Gets them cheap. Your father says people will go for a Presidential Suite and unlimited sausage sandwiches.

Daughter: I hope you've said no.

Mother: The sign's fallen off twice.

Daughter: How's the book?

A VOICE IS HEARD: Duchess! Duchess!

Daughter: Who's that?

Mother (WHISPERING): Mary. She said she'd bring some parkin for your father. But I've hidden the infra-red.

Daughter: Infra-red what?

Mother: That massage thing. He puts on his bathrobe and gets Mary to do his neck.

Daughter: Sausage sandwiches and a full body massage by a seventy-six year old Pole? You'll be booked up.

VOICE COMING CLOSER: Duchess! Duchess?

Mother: Ring me later, I'm going to hide.