Voyage Round My Father's Head #4

Father: Have you read my email?

Daughter: I haven't been on the computer today.

Father: I sent it this morning.

Daughter: I was out this morning.

Father: Read it.

Daughter: I'll read it la-

PHONE IS DISCONNECTED. DAUGHTER WALKS TO HER STUDY, TURNS ON PC. STARES AT SCREEN. SHE USES THE MOUSE TO SCROLL THROUGH HER EMAILS. ONE EMAIL IS ENTITLED "MUM'S JOURNEY TO THE AIRPORT". SHE CLICKS TO OPEN IT. THE MESSAGE READS: "IT WAS EVENTFUL. PHONE ME. LOVE DAD."

DAUGHTER WALKS BACK TO THE PHONE AND DIALS.

Daughter (RESIGNED): What happened?

Father: You know how uptight your mother gets -

Daughter: When she's late.

Father: I knew you'd take her side -

Daughter: You have to arrive three hours early for American flights.

Father: It was fine until my tyre blew.

Daughter: What time was this?

Father (VAGUELY): About 9 o'clock -

Daughter: Her flight was at ten!

Father: The car fell off the jack.

Daughter: What do you mean fell off?

Father: Your mother was crying.

Daughter: Crying?

Father: She hit her head on the roof.

Daughter: She was still in the car?

Father: After the fourth go I made her get out.

Daughter: She hit her head four times?

Father: She was being unreasonable. The roof's padded.

Daughter: Did you have the car in Park?

Father: The policeman asked that.

Daughter: What policeman?

Father: I put your mother's luggage on the hard shoulder and made her stick her thumb out.

Daughter: She hitched?

Father: No. (BEAT). I flagged down a minibus.

Daughter: A minibus?

Father: An hotel minibus. (BEAT). The policeman arrived ten minutes later.

Daughter: I don't believe this -

Father: He'd seen me on the cameras.

Daughter: CCTV.

Father: Those cameras are all along the M6. Marvellous.

Daughter: Were you fined?

Father: So I asked him if he played golf -

Daughter: Golf?

Father: He only took it up three years ago -

Daughter: Where's Mum now?

Father: Member of Denton -

Daughter: Did she make her flight?

Father: He arranged a free tow. Great bloke.

Daughter: What about Mum?

Father: I've invited him to play in a Pro-Am next month.

Daughter: WHERE'S MUM?

Father: I left it a few hours and came home. (BEAT). Just in case.

Daughter: Have you phoned Amy?

Father: Your sister won't want bothering with any of this.

Daughter: She could get some Valium.

Father: I'm fine.

Daughter: For Mum!

Father: Why would your mother need Valium?

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