Sunday, 6 September 2009

Eat Your Heart Out, Philip Larkin...

Location: American-style restaurant. Interior. Afternoon.
Characters: Father - late 60s; Mother - ditto; Daughter - not telling.

Father: Next?
Daughter: It's a shop.
Father: Next?
Daughter: They sell sofas. You wanted to buy a sofa.
Mother: Where are we going after Next?
Father: After next? That's not even English.
Mother: He needs towels.
Father: Only the people of Inverness speak English properly.
Mother: The Welsh speak perfectly good English!
Father (LOOKING AT DAUGHTER): Most of the time I haven't a clue what your mother's saying.
Daughter: I thought you said you wanted bedding?
Father (SNORTS): At my age?
Daughter: Duvets. Sheets.
Mother: He thinks he's funny. (LOOKS AT FATHER). You're not.
Daughter (QUICKLY): Are you scattering Uncle John's ashes tomorrow?
Mother: Yes. The lifeboat men are doing it.
Daughter: Where?
Mother: At sea.
Daughter: Where at sea?
Father (HEAVILY): Wales.
Mother: It's what he would have wanted.
Father: He lived in Clapham for sixty years. There's no sea in Clapham.
Mother: There is actually. A capital C!
Father (LOOKING AT DAUGHTER): She thinks she's funny. (LOOKS AT MOTHER). You're not.
Daughter: Shall we have a coffee?
Father: The Welsh are not a funny race.
Daughter: Mum, coffee?
Father: Name me a single funny Welsh comedian -
Daughter: Dad? Coffee?
Mother: Max Boyce.
Father: Max Boyce? Funny?
Daughter: Ignore him. He's winding you up.
Father: Another thing about the Welsh -
Daughter (EMPHATICALLY): Who wants coffee? I'll have an espresso. Mum?
Mother: Tea. I'll have tea.
Father: Angela wants to move back in.
Daughter: Who's Angela?
Mother: One of his tenants. She moved to Newcastle.
Father: She wants to move back.
Mother: Do you want her back?
Father: She's a lovely woman.
Mother: She committed a sex act in The Bay Horse!
Father: As I said, she's a lovely woman.
Daughter: What did she do?
Mother: Sex acts. (BEAT). Plural.
Daughter: Wha -?
Father (LEANING BACK): We'll finish the shopping in the morning.
Mother: We're going to Wales in the morning.
Father: Chester. It's on the way.
Mother: We are not shopping in the morning.
Daughter: Ignore him.
Father: I'll have a cappuccino -
Mother: We are not shopping in the morning.
Father: And a brandy -
Mother: We are not shopping in the morning!
Daughter: Ignore him.
Father: Where's the dessert menu?
Father (TAKING MOBILE PHONE OUT OF HIS POCKET): I think I'll give Angela a ring -

Roll credits


  1. Lovely photo of the dead poet. I remember him well doing this act in the University of Hull Speccy Bastards Society, just before Monica Jones took the ping pong balls from him and did the encore. Happy days!

  2. I heard that you caught one...