Eat Your Heart Out, Philip Larkin...

Location: American-style restaurant. Interior. Afternoon.

Characters: Father - late 60s; Mother - ditto; Daughter - not telling.

Father: Next?

Daughter: It's a shop.

Father: Next?

Daughter: They sell sofas. You wanted to buy a sofa.

Mother: Where are we going after Next?

Father: After next? That's not even English.

Mother: He needs towels.

Father: Only the people of Inverness speak English properly.

Mother: The Welsh speak perfectly good English!

Father (LOOKING AT DAUGHTER): Most of the time I haven't a clue what your mother's saying.

Daughter: I thought you said you wanted bedding?

Father (SNORTS): At my age?

Daughter: Duvets. Sheets.

Mother: He thinks he's funny. (LOOKS AT FATHER). You're not.

Daughter (QUICKLY): Are you scattering Uncle John's ashes tomorrow?

Mother: Yes. The lifeboat men are doing it.

Daughter: Where?

Mother: At sea.

Daughter: Where at sea?

Father (HEAVILY): Wales.

Mother: It's what he would have wanted.

Father: He lived in Clapham for sixty years. There's no sea in Clapham.

Mother: There is actually. A capital C!

Father (LOOKING AT DAUGHTER): She thinks she's funny. (LOOKS AT MOTHER). You're not.

Daughter: Shall we have a coffee?

Father: The Welsh are not a funny race.

Daughter: Mum, coffee?

Father: Name me a single funny Welsh comedian -

Daughter: Dad? Coffee?

Mother: Max Boyce.

Father: Max Boyce? Funny?

Daughter: Ignore him. He's winding you up.

Father: Another thing about the Welsh -

Daughter (EMPHATICALLY): Who wants coffee? I'll have an espresso. Mum?

Mother: Tea. I'll have tea.

PAUSE.

Father: Angela wants to move back in.

Daughter: Who's Angela?

Mother: One of his tenants. She moved to Newcastle.

Father: She wants to move back.

Mother: Do you want her back?

Father: She's a lovely woman.

Mother: She committed a sex act in The Bay Horse!

Father: As I said, she's a lovely woman.

Daughter: What did she do?

Mother: Sex acts. (BEAT). Plural.

Daughter: Wha -?

Father (LEANING BACK): We'll finish the shopping in the morning.

Mother: We're going to Wales in the morning.

Father: Chester. It's on the way.

Mother: We are not shopping in the morning.

Daughter: Ignore him.

Father: I'll have a cappuccino -

Mother: We are not shopping in the morning.

Father: And a brandy -

Mother: We are not shopping in the morning!

Daughter: Ignore him.

Father: Where's the dessert menu?

Mother: WE ARE NOT SHOPPING IN THE MORNING!

Father (TAKING MOBILE PHONE OUT OF HIS POCKET): I think I'll give Angela a ring -

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