It'll All Come Out in the Stonewash

The Banshee has spent £12 on a "vintage" cardigan. It has batwing sleeves, is made of dusky rose towelling and has a large flower applique on the front. It is not worth 12 pee let alone twelve quid. What was Banshee thinking?

She says, "But it's eighties-tastic. It's post-modern. It's ironic. It's timeless."

It's bloody awful is what I want to say, but I bite my tongue until it'th tho thore I develop a lithp.

I cannot remember one single item of timeless clothing from the '80s. Even as I was wearing it, I knew it was crap and refused to have any photographs taken. There is no hard evidence that I ever wore a black smock dress artistically splattered with bleach until the fabric rotted, a felt Matador hat perched atop a black and silver head scarf, or back-combed my hair with sugar water. No evidence at all. (And this doesn't count).

Flouncy blouses, velvet knickerbockers (I had corduroy Plus Fours from a golf shop - natch), pixie boots, footless tights, shoulder pads so wide one entered rooms at an angle or got wedged stuck like a recalcitrant cork in a bottle, stone-washed denim, day-glo fabrics, legwarmers -legwarmers! as if naturally sturdy ankles weren't bad enough - those velour leisure suits so beloved of Rita in Coronation Street.

Yes, Banshee is clearly channelling the spirit of Rita Fairclough. Next week it'll be gold sandals and a bouffant red wig. How very post post-modern.