Overheard Conversations #2

Location: Bus (Number 36, though any number will do. The Clapham Omnibus, even, should the Producer wish to make a point).

Interior. Day.

Characters:

Man - early 20s. Smart, trendy clothes, reads The Guardian

Woman - mid 50s. Dressed in navy and beige (Wardrobe - try BHS. They do a good line in navy and beige). Sensible shoes. (Also navy and beige). Peach lipstick.

They share a seat; the man sitting by the window, the woman by the aisle.

Woman: You'll make yourself travel sick.

Man: What?

Woman: You'll make yourself travel sick. Reading.

Man: I'll be fine.

Woman: Your dad ordered The Telegraph for you. I said Our Graham will only read posh papers.

Man: The Guardian, Mum. I read The Guardian.

Woman (SHRUGS): They're all the same.

Man (FOLDING NEWSPAPER): Actually, there's no simil - oh, forget it.

Woman (RUMMAGES INSIDE HANDBAG): We had another funny phone call last night.

Man: What?

Woman: When you were out. Funny peculiar not ha ha. She rang three times.

Man: Who?

Woman: The woman.

Man: What woman?

Woman: The one making the funny phone calls. Your dad had to raise his voice.

Man: What did she say?

Woman: He said, "You've got the wrong number, love." (CLOSES HANDBAG). Loudly.

Man: No, not what did Dad say. What did the woman say?

Woman: I don't know. You'll have to ask him. (BEAT). She rang on Sunday, too. Silly woman keeps dialling wrong.

Man: What does she want?

Woman: She's very well-spoken.

Man: You've spoken to her?

Woman: Yes, the other Friday.

Man: Friday! (SIGHS). Well?

Woman: Well what?

Man: What did she say to you?

Woman: Nothing very exciting, so I don't know why you're taking that tone. She said, "Ask Luke to phone Alice, please."

Man (QUIETLY): Luca.

Woman: Has your dad told you already? I thought it was Luke, but your dad said it was foreign.

Man: It's Luca.

Woman: How do you know?

Man: Alice was ringing to speak to me.

Woman: Who's Alice?

Man: The silly woman.

Woman: Who's Luca?

Man: I'm Luca.

Woman: Give over!

Man: They called me Luca at University.

Woman: But your name's Graham.

Man: It's something they do in London.

Woman: Call people Luca?

Man (MUMBLES): I asked them to.

Woman: Why? Why would you do that?

Man: I -

Woman: You've got a perfectly good name. Graham Michael Platt. Why would you ask people to call you Luca? (BEAT). Are you leading a Double Life?

Man: I wanted a name that was unusual.

Woman: But we gave you an exotic name!

Man: What?
Woman: We gave you an exotic name. An exotic name and an ordinary name so that when you were older you could choose which you liked best.

Man: I've got an exotic name?

Woman: I was worried. I thought you'd feel different.

Man: An exotic name?

Woman: It was your dad's idea.

Man: Dad?

Woman: He said in the Births & Deaths that we couldn't tell looking at an 8lb baby whether you'd go into business or do something more artistic. He wanted you to have choice.

Man: Choice?

Woman: Your father didn't choose to be a book-keeper. (BEAT). He went to pottery classes at night school when I was expecting you. (BEAT). The Registrar said it was very far-sighted.

Man (EXCITED): So what's my exotic name?

Woman (THOUGHTFUL): Though she might have been referring to the pottery rather than your name because prices shot up that year.

Man: Mum!

Woman: What?

Man: What did you call me?

Woman: You know what we called you! Graham Michael. Michael was for your great-grandad. He was a sturdy chap, short-legged like you.

Man (SLOWLY): What's my name?

Woman: Michael's a solid name. Sensible. If you hadn't liked your exotic name, then you could've changed to Michael.

Man:(VERY SLOWLY) WHAT'S. MY. EXOTIC. NAME?

Woman: Graham, of course.

Man: Graham?

Woman (FIRMLY): Graham.

MAN TURNS AND VERY SLOWLY BANGS HIS HEAD AGAINST THE BUS WINDOW.

ROLL CREDITS.