And They're Off!

1 - Fistum Handy (130-1) 68 stone, 2 hands (which are not afraid of Hard Work). Lumbers like an old carthorse but shouldn't be underestimated in a fight to the finishing line. Last race before retirement unless his owner, Pauline, shoots him first. Out of P&O Cabins and Endless Class War. Tough going. Red nylon (as silks are not for the likes of him.)

2 - Gorgeous George (26-1). Slippery little gelding who'll weedle into any gaps but has absolutely no tangible experience. Heaven Help Us All is a safe bet. Out of Cocked Pinkie and Fancy Wallpaper, abandoned Giddy Gideon. Likes the going rolled by the Head Gardener, trimmed with antique silver nail scissors and weed-free. Blue silks (of the highest quality.)

3 - Call Me Dave (11-2 joint unfavourite). Out of Eton Mess and Beat The Boys. (Dammed by Bullingdon and His Posh Pants). Suggestions of early doping but, as is ever the case with all pedigree ponies, carpet-brushed. Smooth on his feet but is there substance beneath the soft surface? Staying Power (144-1) might be his downfall. Came out of Lamont's Lament's stable; trained by Something of the Night (666-1). Blue silks (of even higher quality).

4 - Son of the Manse (11-2 joint unfavourite). Short-tempered stallion with a tendency to nip; heavy in the haunches. Out of Brown Bottom and Moral Compass. Likes the going fair and even; plans to redistribute the Tote. Could be ham-strung by Terminal Sulk but would like a sure start. Currently training with Lags Behind and led a merry dance by Rupert's Grudge. Red silks with gloomy grey flashes.

5 - Cactus Burner (81-1). Nifty little thoroughbred who likes a jump (30 at the last count) but is much happier in a two horse race. Out of Imperial Russian and Champagne Charlie. Suffers from memory lapses so might wander off course but will charge at the barred gates (of Westminster) in this his maiden race. Double Dutch was an early partner, followed by Amateur Dramatics. Yellow silks.

Rank Outsiders - too many to mention.

Ladies & Gentleman, place your bets!