That Leaders' Debate in Full

Location: TV studio, all hot lights and melting make-up.
Characters:
BL: Blue Lagoon (as in The Creature From The)
RM: Red Mist
YF: That Yellow Fellow

YF: Yes, you could reasonably say that I am wearing a yellow tie. I am a reasonable chap but I'd much prefer purple (another two-syllabled colour) -

BL: Frankly, we have let you down. We have let our nannies down, our butlers and our parlour-maids down, but most of all we have let ourselves down -

RM: AND THAT'S WHY I CAN NEVER AGREE WITH A DEFLATIONARY POLICY!

YF: Politics can be different. (LOOKS AT THE CAMERA AND SMILES VERY REASONABLY.) We need more local colour in politics - but not yellow because it makes my teeth look -

BL: Yes, and on that subject immigration really needs to be sorted out frankly. I'm not racist but a cap -

RM: I AM AGAINST ARBITRARY CAPS. NO-ONE SHOULD HAVE TO WEAR AN ARBITRARY CAP. THAT LAW WAS REPEALED IN 1390 -

YF: I think a reasonable and fair immigration policy -

BL: Frankly, a cap is necessary -

RM: A BESPOKE HAND-MADE CAP TO MATCH YOUR ETON COLLAR?

YF: It would be reasonable to say that there are good caps and bad caps -

BL: I visited Crosby. No-one there was wearing a cap. Instead they were setting fire to houses and frankly murdering people left, right and centre -

YF: So you accept there is a centre? And it's not just an unreasonable choice between Left and Right? (HE WINKS AT THE CAMERA.)

RM: WE NEED TO DO MORE ABOUT THE PEOPLE OF CROSBY -

YF: We should stop young burglars becoming old burglars -

BL: Old burglars are a drain on the pension system. By 2030 there will be 11 billion old burglars in the UK. Frankly, the system cannot cope!

RM: WE NEED TO DO MORE ABOUT OLD BURGLARS -

YF: The Government is producing Colleges of Crime, it would be reasonable to suggest that short sentences aren't working.

RM: YES. THEY. ARE.

YF: Those aren't actually sentences -

BL: At my old college, one never studied crime. One did Latin, and Greek and Fives and Flogging. We need to -

RM: YOU CAN AIRBRUSH YOUR SENTENCES ALL YOU LIKE -

YF: Things need to change -

RM: WE NEED TO CUT THE SIZE OF THE LORDS -

BL: We've been advocating shorter Lords for years now, no-one over 5' 3" -

YF: If I may say something, and I know this isn't very reasonable, but I'd like to attack the Status Quo -

RM: ELDERLY BURGLARS, NOW ELDERLY ROCK MUSICIANS -

BL: I want to set teachers free! Frankly.

RM: WE NEED TO DO MORE -

BL: Teachers wanna be free to do what they wanna do. And they wanna get loaded. And they wanna have a good time. That's what we're gonna do - Oh, gosh, I've got children -

YF: Well, I think it would be reasonable to suggest that we get rid of all pot plants and paperclips in Whitehall -

BL: And another little stork will be peeping down my chimney soon -

RM: WE NEED TO DO MORE ABOUT POT PLANTS AND PAPERCLIPS!


And so on and so forth ...