Round Two

Dear Mr Murdoch

I expect you're ever so miffed that the whole king-maker role is not going as planned. I believe your son, James, lost his rag a bit and stormed into the Indy offices threatening to duff up old Kelner (who we all know is softer than a floury white bap).

Since that Mick Clogg chap - you know, the reasonable one - started being, well, so reasonable not to mention boasting about the size of his big one ("size does matter") your beloved Rabid Cameroon has been looking steadily more gammon pink. Is that his natural hue? I ask because I'm about to repaint the littlest room and I wonder if it comes in wipe-clean vinyl silk?

I have to say that I feel it was a faux pas on Cameroon's part to admit that he couldn't keep it up with that soldier this morning. And he was meant to be taking the floor brush to politics, not rollicking in the sewers! No wonder SamCam's taken to wearing capes.

So, with all your plans going to hell in a handcart, Rupert, I'm writing to offer my services. I've got some excellent policies planned and have written my manifesto which I am sure will capture the Public's imagination.

My main thrust is that the wearing of tails will be de rigeur. (Note how easily I can slip into Fr. which will make winning the hearts and minds of Europe a doddle.)

That homo sapiens (ditto Lat.) are doomed to exist without tails is a source of great personal distress to me. (And Mick Clogg's boasts about big ones do not fall into the category of tail ownership however reasonably he might claim this to be the case.)

We'd all be much more complete with tails - we'd have better equilibrium for starters, could signal good or bad moods and they would encourage a nice through breeze in the gaps in our trousers.

Of course, I wouldn't impose a particular type of tail. Citizens could mix and match their tails according to mood: a shimmering fan of peacock feathers for dressy occasions; the slender tail of a black cat if a little flirtatious; the wagliferous tail of a Golden Labrador going thump, thump, thump on the sofa when one was feeling happy.

I've listened to two debates now - hours of my life I will never get back - and neither Gorgon Brain, Rabid Cameroon nor Mick Clogg have suggested anything half as interesting or even a tenth as original as Universal Tail Ownership.

So, do we have a deal? Or will you be sending James round to have a quiet word?

M.