Characters: Woman, middle-aged (though it pains me to say it). Police Officer (even older - ha!)
Woman: Hello? Hello? (SEES NOTICE: RING BELL. SHE RINGS THE BELL.)
A UNIFORMED POLICE OFFICER APPEARS VIA A SIDE DOOR.
PC: Can I help you?
Woman (THINKING THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO CORRECT HIS USE OF ENGLISH): Yes. I hope so.
PC: How can I help you?
Woman: I've been receiving nasty emails -
PC:Yes?
Woman: I have them here. (SHE WAVES A SHEAF OF PAPER.)
PC: Do you know who is sending these emails?
Woman: A poet.
PC: A poet?
Woman: A disgruntled one.
PC: And he's sending you emails - Why?
Woman: Because's he's very cross.
PC: No, why's he sending them to you?
Woman: I run a poetry group -
PC: You're a poet, too?
Woman: Well, yes, I suppose I am. But I'm not writing very much at the moment.
PC: Hmm... So a very cross poet is sending you, another poet, emails? Do they - ahem - rhyme?
Woman: Officer, I am very well that this sounds like a plotline from Midsommer Murders - perhaps you could read the emails? (SHE HANDS THEM OVER.)
PC (SCANNING ONE): He is cross, isn't it? More than cross -
Woman: Furious?
PC: He likes the eff word -
Woman: And the C word. (SHE LEANS OVER AND POINTS AT THE PAPER.) He uses it six times in one sentence there.
PC: Is his spelling always this bad?
Woman: Yes. (SHE POINTS AGAIN.) See, just there he says I'll wake up in hospital with my kneecaps missing.
PC: Does he now?
Woman: And no teeth.
PC: Pleasant chap. Why you?
Woman: Why me what?
PC: Why's he sending 'em to you?
Woman: Because I asked him not to send me any more emails about hanging Tony Blair.
PC: He wants to hang Tony Blair?
Woman: Amongst others.
PC: Others?
Woman: He's not overly keen on the Dalai Lama either. (BEAT.) And the Pope makes him apoplectic
PC: That was quite poetic, Madam.
Woman: Thank you.
PC (SELF-CONSCIOUSLY): I write a bit of poetry myself.
Woman: Really?
PC: Nothing fancy. (BEAT.) Humour mostly. (BEAT.) Would you like to come through? I'll need to take some details. (SHOUTS) Bob! Bring a tea through for Sylvia Plath here!
Roll credits
Posts
I started to laugh at the 'pale wood counter', and it just got better from there.
ReplyDeleteI've always wondered about the process people go through to make hugely long jokes just to justify a punchline. Moptop, I don't think I've seen a better example. You are hilarious.
*shudders*
ReplyDeleteI bet people think you make this stuff up.
That is the funniest thing I've read today. Thanks Moppy!
ReplyDelete@ Deborah - you are the best sort of audience. If we were in a geography class, we wouldn't be allowed to sit together.
ReplyDelete@ Brokenbiro - I am starting to wonder if I'm a character in a situation comedy ...
@ Dragonlady - merci, Madame. Your smile is much appreciated.