Thursday, 25 March 2010

Is she not fragrant?

Everard Wright, Esq.

Sir Terence Wogan
c/o Points of View
Broadcasting House
W1 5QT

Dear Sir Terence,

I would be extremely grateful if you could arrange for the experienced and fragrant newsreader, Miss Moira Stuart, to be returned to her post.

It is only a matter of time before we can expect to see our Proud Nation once again in mourning. Lady Margaret Thatcher - the Greatest Prime Minister this country has ever seen; Envy of the Kremlin; Scourge of Sue Lawley; The Cast Iron Fist That Plucked the Miners' Canary; Arch Enemy of General Gaultieri; Patron Saint of Handbags - will sooner rather than later - and, oh, how it pains me to commit this to paper, Sir Terry! - be shuffling off her mortal coil and joining the majority. (And the other members of her cabinet she saw off first.)

Each morning, Chester my Airedale Terrier Cross, fetches The Telegraph from the mat in the hall, and I, sitting by the thick-cut Seville, open that esteemed broadsheet with half-closed eyes, hardly daring to look ... (I've forsworn the television and wireless news lest they take me unawares.)

The only thing that can possibly make this grief-striken scenario even slightly bearable, is to be secure in the knowledge that the lovely Moira will be there to guide me - and the Nation, of course - through this future and inevitably tragic period of our lives.

Moira, as we all know, maintains a solemn and dignified demeanour - even now, when she is so sorely misused by your incompetent replacement on the bbc Radio 2 Breakfast Show. Only she can be trusted with the responsibility of announcing the passing of our dearest dear Iron Lady.

I have taken the liberty of enclosing one of my many photographs of Miss Stuart. She is on our screens so seldom these days, I fear you may forget her face.

Yours, in hopeful anticipation,

Everard Wright LLB (Hons).

Post scriptum: If you could arrange for Moira to adopt the fashionable stance of reading the news whilst perching pertly on her desk, it would be much appreciated.


  1. Let's get Charlotte Green to make the switch from Radio 4 to BBC One.

    A friend and former radio broadcaster recently complained that many of today's female newsreaders have voices like cheap scent! Guess how old he is.

  2. Is his name Everard Wright?

    'Cheap scent' - such a fabulous phrase!

  3. I am not familiar with Miss Stuart, but just seeing the tilt of her head and the intelligent, kindly look in her eyes, I am convinced that you are right.

    It matters not the least that I don't watch much television, and that the small-caps broadcaster you mention is not, unfortunately, readily available in my neck of the woods, as you could write about absolutely anything and I would still be enthralled.

    In fact, I'd love for you to take a stab at 'deconstructionism' - a concept that I tried and failed to understand just yesterday. It's been my experience that I learn best when the lesson is presented with some humour attached, so maybe you could help me out here???

    And I too, love Martin's phrase and only hope I can remember to insert it, pithily, in some future conversation.

  4. Her slots on Chris Evans' breakfast show make me squirm. Why does she get to pick a 'Golden Oldie' when she looks like that!!!

  5. She came to a party once, very late, dressed in silk pyjamas - straight from Ronnie Scott's.