Talking about career changes (see posts passim and, by the way, after leaving my business cards in several phoneboxes, I have been inundated with inquiries - all male, but I expect they have more trouble communicating with their pets on a psychic level).
Where was I? Oh, yes, a poet friend, bored one day, posted up an advert in a local wine bar - Pirate Lessons: A two day intensive course. Phone for further details. And then there was a row of little tear off strips giving his phone number.
After only a week, he changed his phone number. Who could have guessed there would be such demand for Pirate Lessons? People were ringing at all hours, eager to sign up for the next available course, some even offering a deposit (in Ready Money) and when he explained that he'd created the advert as a joke, they got very cross. Very cross indeed.
It's amazing how much wickedness arrives out of boredom ...
Anyway, given that there is clearly an overwhelming need for Pirate Lessons, I thought it would be sensible to create a curriculum with Aims & Objectives, Learning Outcomes, Required Reading, Examinations - that sort of thing - and knock up a Business Plan to present to my Bank Manager.
I'll get Linguaphone on board. They've done all they can with French, Italian and German. How to Speak Pirate is bound to be a best-seller.
Pop on your headphones and repeat after me: Aargghhh.
Yes, that's right. Now say that again: Aargghhh.
Good. Lesson 2. Advanced Variations on Aargghhh.
Other Learning Activities would include Parrot Care, How to Assemble a Hammock, Eating Without Cutlery, An Examination of Health & Safety Directives 36a (Planks), 114b - i (Cutlasses), 257a-ii (Rum), The Identification of Fish, Treasure Burying, Map Reading, Blackspot & How to Avoid It, Beard-growing & Aftercare, Doubloons & the Euro, Do You Really Need a Monkey? - &c, &c.
After three years of study (one of the former-Polytechnics will doubtless create a degree), the Pirate Apprentice will be obliged to commit an Act of Larceny on the High Seas in order to achieve full pirate status. Storming the Mersey Ferry to steal a saucer would suffice.
So, has this idea got (peg) legs?