Saturday, 20 March 2010

Pirate School

Talking about career changes (see posts passim and, by the way, after leaving my business cards in several phoneboxes, I have been inundated with inquiries - all male, but I expect they have more trouble communicating with their pets on a psychic level).

Where was I? Oh, yes, a poet friend, bored one day, posted up an advert in a local wine bar - Pirate Lessons: A two day intensive course. Phone for further details. And then there was a row of little tear off strips giving his phone number.

After only a week, he changed his phone number. Who could have guessed there would be such demand for Pirate Lessons? People were ringing at all hours, eager to sign up for the next available course, some even offering a deposit (in Ready Money) and when he explained that he'd created the advert as a joke, they got very cross. Very cross indeed.

It's amazing how much wickedness arrives out of boredom ...

Anyway, given that there is clearly an overwhelming need for Pirate Lessons, I thought it would be sensible to create a curriculum with Aims & Objectives, Learning Outcomes, Required Reading, Examinations - that sort of thing - and knock up a Business Plan to present to my Bank Manager.

I'll get Linguaphone on board. They've done all they can with French, Italian and German. How to Speak Pirate is bound to be a best-seller.

Pop on your headphones and repeat after me: Aargghhh.
Yes, that's right. Now say that again: Aargghhh.
Good. Lesson 2. Advanced Variations on Aargghhh.

Other Learning Activities would include Parrot Care, How to Assemble a Hammock, Eating Without Cutlery, An Examination of Health & Safety Directives 36a (Planks), 114b - i (Cutlasses), 257a-ii (Rum), The Identification of Fish, Treasure Burying, Map Reading, Blackspot & How to Avoid It, Beard-growing & Aftercare, Doubloons & the Euro, Do You Really Need a Monkey? - &c, &c.

After three years of study (one of the former-Polytechnics will doubtless create a degree), the Pirate Apprentice will be obliged to commit an Act of Larceny on the High Seas in order to achieve full pirate status. Storming the Mersey Ferry to steal a saucer would suffice.

So, has this idea got (peg) legs?


  1. Absolutely! Successful graduates could then move on to do the Ms(high)c in the scientific application of shivering one's timbers.

    Strangely, your word verification is OMMENT, so no more talk of the 'C' then.

  2. Hilarious, Moptop - just what I needed for some after-lunch digestion.
    Btw, what does 'Friend of the preserving pan' mean, please?

  3. Deborah . . Canadians might call it a "jam kettle" They use funny words over here, 'specially in "the Pool" (Liverpool) Means she makes chutney and jam and so on. I've got a very big one . . . Jam kettle, D. Jam kettle . . . .

    Moptop . . 's orl rite. Deborah and me are old hands at blog sparring.

    But as to Pirate Lessons . . (very funny post, BTW), I think one of your friend's students did my right eye cataract end of November last. Read about it HERE

  4. Was this the SAME poetry chum who offered SHOUTING lessons and proposed the World's Strongest Poet competition? I had a dream about him last night.
    I'd have pirate lessons - but it's such an EXPENSIVE hobby. Have you any idea how much pirate ear-rings cost? About a buck an ear...
    HA ha ha ha ha (hicup) ha ha ha ha ha!!

  5. @ BB - I'd forgotten about the shouting lessons. I'd have signed up for them else. I'm hahaha-ing, too! (Was it a saucy dream?)

    @ Dr FTSE - love it, a surgeon with a sense of humour (was going to write a rhyming pun there but it was in Bad Taste, even for me).

    @ Deborah - tomorrow's post will be on Modern Euphemisms, and you'll find out then.

    @ Martin - I'm putting you in charge of the MSc in Pirate Studies. Yes, Shivering Ones Timbers is far too advanced for undergraduates.

  6. I'd no sooner weighed anchor than the prevailing wind blew me ashore on your rocky headland, where I see, you have already becalmed many of my blogpals. Hello, me hearties one and all, I spy pirates - got room for a stowaway?

  7. Aha, Jinksy! Have you, too, been listening to John Le Carre read Treasure Island on Radio 4? I left Jim hidden behind an empty apple barrel as I came below decks to shout at the midshipman for singeing my eyepatch.

    Budge up, the lot of yers, or I'll have 'ee clapped in irons.


  8. Dear Cap'n Moptop
    I'd like to Flag up how none of your fine crew have been Nautical enough, on the espying of your Avatar and Figurehead, to Let Slip a hearty cry of: 'Avast Behind!'
    yours etc etc
    Admiral Restraint

  9. Hahahaha!!! Admiral Restraint. My god, what a lot you all are. I think I'll just stay in the background and keep my trap shut.

  10. BB, I am (saw-saw) constructing (sand, sand) a PLANK (wax, wax) especially for your use.