Tuesday, 6 April 2010

The Bed & Breakfast Association: Epsom/Ewell Branch

Area Standards Sub-Committee - 6th April 2010

Represented by Bideawile (2 beds, 1 en suite), Wits End (1 double, 1 single, jacuzzi bath, gold taps), Dunroamin (family room, colour TV), Thistledo (1 double, bunk beds, Goblin Teasmaid).

1. Mrs Lyle (Bideawile) reported that a recent guest had put the complimentary shower cap over the smoke alarm and puffed on a pipe. It had taken three boil washes to get the smell out of the candlewick bedspread and the ruffle trim had shrunk on the left leaving it all puckered when she dressed the bed.

1-i. Mr Grayling (Wits End) established that he wouldn't give house room to a puf -

2. Time was limited said Miss Pugh (Thistledo) and reported that the local water seemed much harder these days and consequently her consumption of Fairy Non-Bio had increased two-fold.

2-i. Mr Grayling (Wits End) reiterated he had no room in his house for fai -

3. Very limited, agreed Mr Singh (Dunroamin) and had Miss Pugh (Thistledo) tried those knobbly balls? They had been sold in Woolworths (a moment's silence for that great emporium) in the household section but she might be able to buy them on the Shopping Channel?

3-i. Mr Grayling (Wits End) insisted that as far as he was concerned, they could keep their knobs and ba -

4. Moving on, said Mrs Lyle (Bidawile), a vegetarian family who had stayed for a week had played havoc with her sewers and after the plumber had sorted out the Water Closet, she'd made a loss.

4-1. Mr Grayling (Wits End) said they should all stay in the sodding clo -

5. Is that really the time? said Mr Singh (Dunroamin) and passed round a flyer from the local garden centre. All bedding plants 25% off. Mr Singh had planted up his window boxes with primulas and pansies and they looked lovely.

5-i. Mr Grayling (Wits End) emphasised that no bloody pans -

6. How delightful! said Miss Pugh (Thistledo) but she had to admit she had a soft spot for tulips, always a gay display.

6-i. Mr Grayling (Wits End) asserted that he'd take a shotgun to any ga -

7. I was thinking of red, white and blue for the summer, said Mr Singh (Dunroamin). Aubretia. Patriotic hanging baskets, something to honour Her Majesty the Queen.

7-i. Mr Grayling (Wits End) said he didn't care what the European Court of Human Rights said, no mincing quee -

8. Has anyone thought of offering dinners as well as breakfasts? asked Mrs Lyle (Bidawile). She'd found a lovely recipe for minced dumplings which you could put in the oven on a low heat and which were hardly any bother at all.

8-i. Mrs Pugh (Thistledo) said did she mean faggots?

8-ii. Don't even think about it, said Mr Singh (Dunroamin) and kicked Mr Grayling on the shin.

And so the meeting was drawn somewhat poetically to a close. Date of next meeting: 6th May 2010


  1. Wickedly clever!!

    (Your output is most impressive, Moptop.)

  2. I think I know someone who stayed at Wits End once - there was some issue with the fire drill, I recall. No-one was allowed up the back passage.

  3. I take it you were the chairwoman, Moptop?

  4. Friko - I have fingers in many pies. Often quite literally.