Saturday, 3 April 2010

Editor's Ammendments

In regard to 'Weight Loss the Easy Way' the following clarifications must be made:

(For ease of reference, anyone intending to follow this regime, shall be referred to as a 'Slimmer'. In this context, Slimmer is a noun and not a comparative.)

1. The Slimmer should not place War and Peace, The Bros. Karamazov and Anna Karenina on the scales, balance atop them, note the displayed digits, remove said texts, weigh him/herself again and delight in his/her sudden diminution. This is known as a Russian Manoeuvre and is considered a foul.

2. Ditto (as above) using Martin Chuzzlewit, Barnaby Rudge and The Old Curiosity Shop - a.k.a The Dickensian Dodge.

3. If you (The Slimmer) wish to dawdle as you are listening to your book of choice, then you (The Slimmer) must accept that weight loss will be comparatively slower. Books that encourage dawdling include Poetry. Please note that it is difficult to walk at a brisk, effective pace whilst admiring hosts of golden daffodils. Admiring hosts of golden daffodils is to be discouraged whilst following this regime.

4. Running or jogging whilst listening to Great Works of Literature is unseemly. Eleanor Dashwood, Fanny Price, Catherine Morland et al did not jog anywhere. Neither should you.

5. If you eat 814 Cadbury's Creme Eggs whilst following this regime, you will not lose any weight at all.


  1. @ Fran - please do not take this as a personal challenge (until after I have bought shares in Cadbury's).

  2. I'm glad to see another reason for avoiding poetry.

    (This makes twice in one day that you've posted, Moptop. Surely some calories have been worn out due to your diligence at the keyboard??)

  3. Deborah, tut tut; I thought I had just started to kindle your interest in poetry. I am very disappointed.

    Moptop, would it help if I just put one foot on the scales?

    Apropos walking and listening, have you tried speaking your profound blogging thoughts into a recorder? You would lose the same number (ha - I say number not amount!) of calories and have a post all ready to spread before your adoring public when you get home.

  4. Oh dear Friko, I know I shouldn't take up Moptop's valuable space, but could not leave your comment unanswered.

    The clue is in the kindling to use. (And what an entirely appropriate use of that word you made!) Your bawdy stuff could be just the thing - but Moptop's daffodils are off the table.

  5. @ Friko - my father noticed that if he leaned back on his heels whilst on the scales, he weighed much less. He concluded that his toes were heavier than they ought to be. (Several stone, in fact.)

    @ Deborah - the main issue with Poetry - in regard to a weight loss regime - is that not only do the poems tend to come in 'slim volumes' (which last 15 mins and are valued at 0.0012 calories per poem), but that unless you are going to subject yourself to The Night Train or Charge of The Light Brigade - both slightly speeded up - you will not be able to make yourself breathless or even 'feel the heat'.