I had a very useful idea this week. Very useful. The School Governors (I'm an upstanding* member of Society, don't you know) were discussing the school's sex education video. They discuss it at every meeting - I have my suspicions as to why - and never come to a conclusion save for the video being unsatisfactory.
I suggested that we make our own - a suggestion that was not minuted. Given the political climate, my idea seems eminently sensible and cost-effective. Who knows what the next Schools' Budget will be like? We might not be able to afford chairs let alone educational videos.
A friend, taught by monks back in the Mists of Time (Ouch! Ouch! Pax!) was told by Brother Brian: "Boys, you have reached the age when no doubt you will be having certain thoughts. Don't."
Later my friend was informed (by a nun) that if ever a girl sat on his knee, a Yellow Pages Telephone Directory should be placed upon his lap first.
I am collecting unwanted/outdated editions of the Yellow Pages just in case. As I said, the political climate is uncertain.
The actors - male and female - in the school's current sex education video clearly come from The Hairy Casting Agency - we're talking wrists to ankles - and they wander naked up and down landings, getting in and out of beds, occasionally appearing in freeze frame whilst the narrator explains what's what. It makes the children anxious. They assume one must don a gorilla suit before having sex. (Which would help prevent teenage pregnancies, so it's not without its advantages.) The animated - in all senses of the word - sperm are the size of handbags, and this adds to the general level of distress.
When Small Boy watched the sex education video, he was pale and feverish for some hours afterwards.
"Would you like to talk about it?" I asked (crossing my fingers and hoping the answer would be no). "Is there anything you'd like to ask?"
"Yes," he said weakly from his prone position on the sofa. "How does pubic hair know when to stop?"
* unintentional. Probably Freudian.