Tuesday, 13 April 2010

Everything You've Ever Wanted to Know About Sex (Part 2)

I had a very useful idea this week. Very useful. The School Governors (I'm an upstanding* member of Society, don't you know) were discussing the school's sex education video. They discuss it at every meeting - I have my suspicions as to why - and never come to a conclusion save for the video being unsatisfactory.

I suggested that we make our own - a suggestion that was not minuted. Given the political climate, my idea seems eminently sensible and cost-effective. Who knows what the next Schools' Budget will be like? We might not be able to afford chairs let alone educational videos.

A friend, taught by monks back in the Mists of Time (Ouch! Ouch! Pax!) was told by Brother Brian: "Boys, you have reached the age when no doubt you will be having certain thoughts. Don't."

Later my friend was informed (by a nun) that if ever a girl sat on his knee, a Yellow Pages Telephone Directory should be placed upon his lap first.

I am collecting unwanted/outdated editions of the Yellow Pages just in case. As I said, the political climate is uncertain.

The actors - male and female - in the school's current sex education video clearly come from The Hairy Casting Agency - we're talking wrists to ankles - and they wander naked up and down landings, getting in and out of beds, occasionally appearing in freeze frame whilst the narrator explains what's what. It makes the children anxious. They assume one must don a gorilla suit before having sex. (Which would help prevent teenage pregnancies, so it's not without its advantages.) The animated - in all senses of the word - sperm are the size of handbags, and this adds to the general level of distress.

When Small Boy watched the sex education video, he was pale and feverish for some hours afterwards.

"Would you like to talk about it?" I asked (crossing my fingers and hoping the answer would be no). "Is there anything you'd like to ask?"

"Yes," he said weakly from his prone position on the sofa. "How does pubic hair know when to stop?"

* unintentional. Probably Freudian.


  1. We had an elderly neighbour who told us of the time when she sat her daughter down to tell her the facts of life. "I want to talk to you about how babies are made," she said. Her daughter looked up and replied, "Okay Mum, what do want to know?"

  2. I had to read this three times to understand that this video really does exist.
    SB's question was priceless.

    Discussing the large family that lived down the block, my then-12-yr-old son wrinkled his nose in disgust. "That means they've done it EIGHT times??!!'

  3. I hope you did your homework before you posted this! *frowns over glasses*

    I've said it before: 'Pubic hair obeys no rules at all' but bravo for volunteering to star in the new video - I'm sure the youngsters will learn much from a cunning linguist like yourself.

  4. Oh, oh oh!!!! That was inevitable, brokenbiro, but no less brilliant for it.

  5. I'd like to make it clear that when Broken Biro said 'do your homework' she didn't mean in relation to researching physical congress, but the piece of work I've been putting off since Sunday and whose deadline I've missed ...