Location: TV studio, all hot lights and melting make-up.
BL: Blue Lagoon (as in The Creature From The)
RM: Red Mist
YF: That Yellow Fellow
YF: Yes, you could reasonably say that I am wearing a yellow tie. I am a reasonable chap but I'd much prefer purple (another two-syllabled colour) -
BL: Frankly, we have let you down. We have let our nannies down, our butlers and our parlour-maids down, but most of all we have let ourselves down -
RM: AND THAT'S WHY I CAN NEVER AGREE WITH A DEFLATIONARY POLICY!
YF: Politics can be different. (LOOKS AT THE CAMERA AND SMILES VERY REASONABLY.) We need more local colour in politics - but not yellow because it makes my teeth look -
BL: Yes, and on that subject immigration really needs to be sorted out frankly. I'm not racist but a cap -
RM: I AM AGAINST ARBITRARY CAPS. NO-ONE SHOULD HAVE TO WEAR AN ARBITRARY CAP. THAT LAW WAS REPEALED IN 1390 -
YF: I think a reasonable and fair immigration policy -
BL: Frankly, a cap is necessary -
RM: A BESPOKE HAND-MADE CAP TO MATCH YOUR ETON COLLAR?
YF: It would be reasonable to say that there are good caps and bad caps -
BL: I visited Crosby. No-one there was wearing a cap. Instead they were setting fire to houses and frankly murdering people left, right and centre -
YF: So you accept there is a centre? And it's not just an unreasonable choice between Left and Right? (HE WINKS AT THE CAMERA.)
RM: WE NEED TO DO MORE ABOUT THE PEOPLE OF CROSBY -
YF: We should stop young burglars becoming old burglars -
BL: Old burglars are a drain on the pension system. By 2030 there will be 11 billion old burglars in the UK. Frankly, the system cannot cope!
RM: WE NEED TO DO MORE ABOUT OLD BURGLARS -
YF: The Government is producing Colleges of Crime, it would be reasonable to suggest that short sentences aren't working.
RM: YES. THEY. ARE.
YF: Those aren't actually sentences -
BL: At my old college, one never studied crime. One did Latin, and Greek and Fives and Flogging. We need to -
RM: YOU CAN AIRBRUSH YOUR SENTENCES ALL YOU LIKE -
YF: Things need to change -
RM: WE NEED TO CUT THE SIZE OF THE LORDS -
BL: We've been advocating shorter Lords for years now, no-one over 5' 3" -
YF: If I may say something, and I know this isn't very reasonable, but I'd like to attack the Status Quo -
RM: ELDERLY BURGLARS, NOW ELDERLY ROCK MUSICIANS -
BL: I want to set teachers free! Frankly.
RM: WE NEED TO DO MORE -
BL: Teachers wanna be free to do what they wanna do. And they wanna get loaded. And they wanna have a good time. That's what we're gonna do - Oh, gosh, I've got children -
YF: Well, I think it would be reasonable to suggest that we get rid of all pot plants and paperclips in Whitehall -
BL: And another little stork will be peeping down my chimney soon -
RM: WE NEED TO DO MORE ABOUT POT PLANTS AND PAPERCLIPS!
And so on and so forth ...