Friday, 2 April 2010

Wondering in the Wilderness

If I was Carrie Bradshaw I would begin this post with 'I couldn't help but wonder' which is one her more irritating habits. And there are so many to choose from. As I'm not, I shall begin (although not strictly speaking as I've already begun) with I wonder -

- upon which Mr Gradgrind, who was the person overhearing, stepped forth into the light and said 'Moptop, never wonder!'

I spend a lot of time wondering. Just this morning, I was wondering why I had downloaded Denmark's most popular 'app' onto my new phone. A programme called sleepcycle which claims to monitor sleep patterns (deep sleep/dreaming/awake) and rouse you with birdsong/panpipes/rainforest rain when you're in the shallowest form of sleep. You positively leap out of bed, ready to face the day. Allegedly.

My sleep pattern statistics resemble a map of the Andes. Last night, I was awake every thirty minutes - to check whether the sleepcycle app was working - and I have not leapt anywhere. In fact, I've not yet managed to get out of bed.

I've also been wondering why the maker of this phone (which I promise not to bang on about, although it is a thing of great beauty) begins the name with a lowercase letter and makes the second letter a capital. Will this become common practice? mOptop, gOrdon bRown, dEborah, bEing mE, iNky fOol - O, my eyes! My eyes!

I've been wondering whether the Labour Party will have the guts to run the poster The Guardian ran as their spoof story yesterday.

I've been wondering which was the spoof story in The Telegraph - note how balanced is my consumption of news. I chuckled all the way through Head of English Catholics Admits Condom Argument is Attractive. Apparently, the HoEC has softened his approached - which will make the condom tricky to handle, I should imagine - but when I phoned the newsdesk to congratulate them on their subtle wit, I got short shrift.

I've also been wondering why anyone reads The Daily Mail. But I've wondered that for years.

I wonder why some words are funny (gusset, Filey) and some are not (crotch, Southampton). I wonder whether, when Britain runs out of power, the Errand Boy will return to fashion? I wonder if I should invest in a carrier pigeon...?

Recently, in semi-serious jest, I asked what were the Seven Wonders of Wirral? A question inspired by the Tourist Information map in New Brighton which bears the legend: site of New Brighton Lido (now demolished), site of New Brighton Tower (now demolished), site of New Brighton Festival Hall (you guessed it).

I thought about this every day for a week - then realised I'd found my seven wonders.


  1. I agree. There's something about inappropriate capitalisation that is REALLY OFF-PUTTING.

    Do you remember Radio 4's news story about there being a 'Eurovision Birdsong Contest'? Apparently, Britain was going to enter the blackbird. I took that whole story in, hook, line and sinker. Did my family laugh? Is the Pope Catholic?

  2. Your new name, courtesy of my cousin (who has never heard of you but would call you this if he had) is Tangent Girl. He is the original Tangent mAn. Arrows of thought whizzing in all direction.

    Fabulous humour, Moptop. I can't begin to tell you.

  3. @ Fran - Yes, I remember that. But no-one ever disabused me of the fact it wasn't real.

    Until now.

    For years, I've been telling all my European friends that the Blackbird is the songbird champion of Europe.

    @ Deborah - Ah, now to the uninitiated what may appear to be a TANGENT is actually a complex and quite deliberate pattern (THINK BADLY TANGLED KNITTING WOOL - Ed.) of tightly controlled and guided thought.