Sunday, 25 April 2010

Mother Tongue # 3

Location: House by a canal, somewhere in Yorkshire.
Characters: Mother, Daughter

Daughter: Mum, why have you got statues of naked men everywhere?
Ma: I inherited them from Great Uncle Alun. Do you like them?
Daughter: They're unusual ...
Ma: I wanted to put a sash on William -
Daughter: William?
Ma: The bronze without a head. I think he looks a bit cold -
Daughter: Yes, I can see that -
Ma: But your father thinks a sash would be tacky -
Daughter: Tacky?
Ma: And that William is inspirational as he is.
Daughter: Inspirational?
Ma: He might have said comforting. Or was it -?
Daughter: Did Great Uncle Alun have any naked female statues?
Ma: No, he said they were difficult to dust.
Daughter: Was Great Uncle Alun gay?
Ma: Don't be ridiculous! He was engaged once.
Daughter: When?
Ma: 1953. He broke it off.
Daughter: Why?
Ma: His fiancee phoned him wailing she was going to kill herself. Alun was so worried that he rang the police. They called at her flat and there she was, sitting in front of the gas fire eating chocolates in her stockinged feet.
Daughter: Right ...?
Ma: Well, how could he marry her after that?
Daughter: Because she didn't have her slippers on?
Ma: It made him wary of women. Come upstairs and I'll show you his engraving of the Monks of Bangor being put to the sword by the order of Ethelfrid. It's lovely.

Roll credits


  1. OK, now I've figured what you actually do for a living. You're a screen-writer for those ridiculously nonsensical and hilarious comedies that could only be British. Is it something in the water??

  2. My mother's house is FILLED with homoerotic artworks from the 'definitely not gay' Great Uncle Alun. Her intransigence on this subject is deeply amusing.

    Voyages Around My Father's Head would go something like this:

    Pa: Glad you've visited. Not seen you in ages.
    Daughter: It's nice to see you too.
    Pa: Well, I'm off to the pub. See you later.
    Daughter: What?
    Ma: He's gone to see his pal Russell. He's going to prison soon. He's been laundering money for the Leeds Mafia.

    Honestly, I don't make this stuff up!

  3. I think we need to hear a bit more about all this.

  4. My mother said 'Why don't you go to the pub with your father? It'd be nice for you to meet Russell.'

    What? It would be 'nice' for me to meet a convicted money launderer connected to the Leeds Mafia? In what way would that be 'nice'?

    If you read last year's Ma & Pa posts(in chronological order) it will start to make sense ...