Friday, 9 April 2010

Wildlife on One Special Edition

The BBC aims to be the standard bearer for fair, accurate and impartial election coverage, offering unprecedented breadth, depth and insight.

All of the political parties accept the need to explain their policies in a relevant manner and engage the interest of the 'switched off' voter.

In order to achieve this, The BBC has commissioned a series of special programmes. In this ground-breaking Wildlife on One special, Nick Griffin, leader of the British National Party, presents a documentary about lions. Over to you, Nick.

Nick: What are lions? Lions are a species which comprises of individuals which resemble each other and may interbreed. So White Lions are lions, although lions and tigers are all large cats which share many resemblances and can interbreed but shouldn't, because lions are not tigers just as sausages are not chops, or a lasagne a cottage pie - no self-respecting English woman would ever put garlic in a cottage pie - even though they all contain meat, including the lions and tigers. Only a foreigner would eat a lion, a tiger or a lasagne.

Nick: Here we see the Tawny Lion. Note how it lounges around doing very little, being a drain on the Savannah and claiming bogus illegal antelope-seeker status.

Nick: Whilst the poor White Lion yawns with exhaustion after another hard day roaring at foreign visitors. How much happier the White Lion would be if he was working in a British factory making British goods for British people! Corrupt Government policy ensures that White Lions are moved to the bottom of the list for a place in a Council Zoo. Not to mention the lack of levitating magnetic railways in their locality - something we would address immediately. I believe in levitation. Always have, always will. And I will personally fuel several offshore windfarms. But back to the lions -
Nick: Another Tawny Lion standing around doing nothing. When I am Prime Minister, I will deport Tawny Lions who are here illegally - which means all of them. No more Tawny Lions will be allowed in the country except for truly exceptional cases: larger than average size manes, roars which span three octaves, the ability to juggle three impala whilst drinking a glass of water.

Nick: The pale White Lion, with the calm, gentle and friendly personality, gambles [sic] through the green pastures of England, an indigenous species happy to feast on chops and sausages from British butchers. No more raw wildebeest. Or lasagne.

We will introduce competitive sports and corporal punishment for little baby lions and compulsory Billy Smart's Circus training for all the rest. We don't want our lions jumping through Brussel's hoops! My party represents the Best of British! Who else will give you magnetic levitating railways? Take pride in the pride!

Next Week Vince Cable judges Strictly Come Dancing and David Cameron licks Nigella on Can't Cook, Won't Cook.


  1. I don't have to be British or even know who Nick Griffin is to enjoy this extraordinarily clever piece, Moptop. I clicked the 'Haha' button SIX TIMES.

  2. You've got me chuckling with this. Well observed and cleverly written. Bird and Fortune, look out!

  3. Ooh, Moptop - where CAN you have got the idea for this one? *chuckles*
    Absolute class - I'm awaiting future installments with indecent enthusiasm!

    p.s. my W>V. was just 'clerly' - tee hee!

  4. any ideas why lions ever entered the heraldry whatsit for England anyway? Lions and unicorns... one from Africa and the other from that well known land of Makebelieve... should've stuck with stags! (but would that be RED deer or fallow deer or roe deer?)

  5. White stags. Nothing else will do.