Monday, 5 April 2010

Star Mangled Banter

Chateau Marmont
Sunset Boulevard
United States of America

Hey there Miss Moptop!

I was gonna get my people to talk to your people but then I thought make the effort, DC, make the effort. The personal touch is always appreciated - right?

So, how about me and you comin' to an arrangement? Front row seats at my next premiere? We'll walk the whole 9 yards of red carpet arm-in-arm and go sushi after - on me!

Yours in anticipation,

Leonardo x

P.S. I hate to mention this - but what the hell - it'd be real nice if you could put the whole potato thing to bed.Call me!

c/o Blogger
The Ether Somewhere (as No-one Really Knows How It Works, Not Even That Chap With The Beard Who Invented It).

Dear Mr di Crapio

I must decline your offer of front row seats at your next film. It's not that I don't appreciate your kindness, but watching you act your socks off on celluloid makes me want to murder some chips. (That's an English expression, but in this case the verb can be read literally.) As I am currently following a regime, chips would cost me at least fifteen chapters of Anna Karenina, my walking shoes are at the cobblers being resoled and - but are any more explanations needed?

It's not that I haven't tried, Mr di Crapio. I have, I have.

In This Boy's Life you showed promise - although potato-ish qualities were in evidence even at that early stage in your career. Spudeo and Juliet was - well - a roasting The Bard will never forget. Titanic, a total croque(tte). The Beach? Admittedly, you looked better sauted than pureed ...

Shall we just say you remind me of King Edward, and leave it at that?


P.S. I don't have people or even a person.
P.P.S. Go sushi - on you. Is that some weird Hollywood version of fish 'n' chips?

Chateau Marmont
Sunset Boulevard

Gee! Moptop!

You English are just the nicest people. Grandma always said we had royal blood, but for you to come straight out and say it! Wow! Just wow!
Call me! Call me! Call me!

Leo xxxx


  1. Moptop, I'm rolling around with laughter!

    I used to think he was a crap actor until someone convinced me that he was good in....(just wait while I google it...) oh right..'What's Eating Gilbert Grape?'. I had to agree with her after that, but possibly only because she was the best babysitter we had ever found.

    Fabulous red carpet, btw.

  2. I didn't know he was in that film.

    Give the boy his due, he's increasing his acting range: from a root vegetable to a vine fruit.

  3. You should see my class of 15 year old girls when I show them the Luhrmann 'Romeo and Juliet' in which Leo is Ro-Leo. They thought I was really cruel when I interrupted the love scene to say, 'You know he's got quite fat, don't you?'

  4. HAHAHAHA! He's gone to seed (potato).

  5. You just have to face the fact that this guy has no apPEEL! Now, Billie Piper's cousin, Maris, is worth investigation.