Monday, 12 April 2010
Overheard Conversation #17
Characters: Woman, middle-aged (though it pains me to say it). Police Officer (even older - ha!)
Woman: Hello? Hello? (SEES NOTICE: RING BELL. SHE RINGS THE BELL.)
A UNIFORMED POLICE OFFICER APPEARS VIA A SIDE DOOR.
PC: Can I help you?
Woman (THINKING THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO CORRECT HIS USE OF ENGLISH): Yes. I hope so.
PC: How can I help you?
Woman: I've been receiving nasty emails -
Woman: I have them here. (SHE WAVES A SHEAF OF PAPER.)
PC: Do you know who is sending these emails?
Woman: A poet.
PC: A poet?
Woman: A disgruntled one.
PC: And he's sending you emails - Why?
Woman: Because's he's very cross.
PC: No, why's he sending them to you?
Woman: I run a poetry group -
PC: You're a poet, too?
Woman: Well, yes, I suppose I am. But I'm not writing very much at the moment.
PC: Hmm... So a very cross poet is sending you, another poet, emails? Do they - ahem - rhyme?
Woman: Officer, I am very well that this sounds like a plotline from Midsommer Murders - perhaps you could read the emails? (SHE HANDS THEM OVER.)
PC (SCANNING ONE): He is cross, isn't it? More than cross -
PC: He likes the eff word -
Woman: And the C word. (SHE LEANS OVER AND POINTS AT THE PAPER.) He uses it six times in one sentence there.
PC: Is his spelling always this bad?
Woman: Yes. (SHE POINTS AGAIN.) See, just there he says I'll wake up in hospital with my kneecaps missing.
PC: Does he now?
Woman: And no teeth.
PC: Pleasant chap. Why you?
Woman: Why me what?
PC: Why's he sending 'em to you?
Woman: Because I asked him not to send me any more emails about hanging Tony Blair.
PC: He wants to hang Tony Blair?
Woman: Amongst others.
Woman: He's not overly keen on the Dalai Lama either. (BEAT.) And the Pope makes him apoplectic
PC: That was quite poetic, Madam.
Woman: Thank you.
PC (SELF-CONSCIOUSLY): I write a bit of poetry myself.
PC: Nothing fancy. (BEAT.) Humour mostly. (BEAT.) Would you like to come through? I'll need to take some details. (SHOUTS) Bob! Bring a tea through for Sylvia Plath here!